Laugh With Him at His Nightmare!

Shane Burcaw is a remarkable young man from a remarkable family.

He uses humor to make the bad stuff less bad, not to avoid the bad. His blog, Laughing at My Nightmare is a great place to go. Here's his basic bio....

Hello, I'm Shane Burcaw. I'm 20 years old and I have a disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy that will eventually kill me. I have been in a wheelchair since I was two. I love to laugh and my life is pretty funny. ...


I recently started a nonprofit to spread positivity and raise money for muscular dystrophy research! To learn more and to support us visit laughingatmynightmare.com

Also, I am a Junior at Moravian College in Bethlehem, PA, studying English.

I have been honored to know some of his family for many, many years and his views on life are no surprise. He is someone whose story will change how you look at your life.

More: Here's a video, Happiness is Always an Option, from Shane's non-profit:

Happiness is Always an Option from FireRock Productions on Vimeo.

And his first inspirational video, The Choice is Yours, from a year ago.

I am humbled and in awe of what this young man and his life have accomplished!

Keep laughing, Shane. It's contagious.

You Can Tell the Lockout is Over

From NFL.com:

Turns out you're not the only one growing tired of rumors of another Brett Favre comeback.

Bus Cook, Favre's longtime agent, was perplexed enough by recent reports tying the 41-year-old to several NFL teams that he reached out to a Mississippi newspaper on Monday to "clear the air."

"Brett Favre retired in January. He has not talked to any teams, including Carolina Panthers, Philadelphia Eagles, the Arizona Cardinals and the Seattle Seahawks," Bus told The Clarion-Ledger. "He has not talked to anyone about playing football. He's retired, period."

Actually I wasn't even wondering. If he does try to comeback, I won't really care. I didn't even care last year- or the one before that.

But just in case - I was intrigued by humorist Andy Borowitz saying in one of his [fake] news reportings in the Borowitz Report that most football fans would prefer the lockout to continue if "What's His Name" decides to come back.

A Dozen More (13 - 24)

MORE CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

A Dozen (1-12)

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Questions, Questions, Questions

It's been a while since I posted anything from (The Customer is) Not Always Right. Sites like this that show the incredible lack of awareness of my fellow humans helps keep me on my toes. For a snowy, winter storm Saturday, it's about time.

(I was working in the reptile department and I often got questions about the snakes.)

Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

Me: “Those snakes? Usually feeder mice.”

Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

Customer: Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

Me: “No ma’am, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful. They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am…you’ll have to talk to God about that one.”

Some Fun and Memories

I really can't let this week get away without saying some more about George Carlin who died last Sunday. In the last fifty years there haven't been many of his overall quality and culture breaking approach. I can think of Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor. Maybe a few others, but so many were co-opted by TV or movies. They lost their stand-up edge. Not Carlin.

I first saw him perform my freshman year at college. I don't remember anymore whether it was fall or winter, nor do I remember who he was opening for. It might even have been the Mitchell Trio (remember them?) In any case it was over 40 years ago and I still remember the laughter as he did the Hippy-Dippy Weather man routine:

Now for some partial scores. 5, 3, 7

Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning.

He could also catch human sayings and life when it was really being stupid:

Jumbo shrimp. Is that a BIG shrimp or a tiny jumbo?

Hot water heater. I don't need my hot water heated; I need my cold water heated.

Non-stop flight. I want mine to stop. Preferably at the end.

But where he hit home and developed his greatest controversy was in truly being counter-cultural. Everyone has been talking about his Seven Words You Can't Say on TV. Well, I won't put them here. You can find them in many places. He was arrested at Summerfest in Milwaukee for using those words. The charges were dismissed with the judge saying the words were obscene, but free speech was more important. Too bad the FCC (and Supreme Court) didn't agree when WBAI played the seven words on the radio.

But that wasn't the extent of the cultural challenge:

The very existence of flame throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

And sometimes he just made us stop and think:

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Think off-center.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

We will miss that and a whole lot more.

Gotcha! The Gift of April First

This IS for real.....

From Wikipedia we get this:

The origins of this custom are complex and a matter of much debate. It is likely a relic of the once common festivities held on the vernal equinox, which began on the 25th of March, old New Year's Day, and ended on the 2nd of April.

Though the 1st of April appears to have been observed as a general festival in Great Britain in antiquity, it was apparently not until the beginning of the 18th century that the making of April-fools was a common custom. In Scotland the custom was known as "hunting the gowk," i.e. the cuckoo, and April-fools were "April-gowks," the cuckoo being a term of contempt, as it is in many countries.

One of the earliest connections of the day with fools is Chaucer's story the Nun's Priest's Tale (c.1400), which concerns two fools and takes place "thritty dayes and two" from the beginning of March, which is April 1. The significance of this is difficult to determine.
--Link

NPR gets into the act:

Every year National Public Radio in the United States does an extensive news story on April 1st. These usually start off more or less reasonably, and get more and more unusual. A recent example is the story on the "iBod" a portable body control device. It also runs false sponsor mentions, such as "Support for NPR comes from the Soylent Corporation, manufacturing protein-rich food products in a variety of colors. Soylent Green is People.”
--Wikipedia

Here's # 29 on the list of the Top 100 hoaxes (which can be found here)

#29: Wisconsin State Capitol Collapses
In 1933 the Madison Capital-Times solemnly announced that the Wisconsin state capitol building lay in ruins following a series of mysterious explosions. The explosions were attributed to "large quantities of gas, generated through many weeks of verbose debate in the Senate and Assembly chambers." Accompanying the article was a picture showing the capitol building collapsing. By modern standards the picture looks slightly phony, but readers in 1933 were fooled—and outraged. One reader wrote in declaring that the hoax "was not only tactless and void of humor, but also a hideous jest."

I thought it should have had something to do with cheese.

Here's a good one that can be traced back to 1698!

Late in March 1860 numerous people throughout London received the following invitation:

“Tower of London—Admit Bearer and Friend to view annual ceremony of Washing the White Lions on Sunday, April 1, 1860. Admittance only at White Gate. It is particularly requested that no gratuities be given to wardens or attendants.”

By twelve o’clock on April 1st a large crowd had gathered outside the tower. However, no lions had been kept in the tower for decades, so the people went home disappointed. This prank had a very long pedigree. An instance of it was recorded as far back as 1698. It had also been regularly perpetrated (on a smaller scale) upon unsuspecting out-of-towners.
--Link

Last October The List Universe published the list of the top April Fool's Day Hoaxes over the years. Surprisingly I knew what the top one would be- and I was not surprised by number two. I remember them both. (Gee- a living link with history!)

They are all classics. It is hard to beat such incredible creativity.

Here it is... watch #1, which is now 51 years old.

Finally, An Answer

Andrew Sullivan linked to The Solution to the Florida delegate chaos. Of course it comes from that respected political wise guy man Dave Barry:

Every day somebody comes up with a new proposed solution. The most recent one is a ''50-50'' plan, in which the Jan. 29 primary results would be used as a basis for seating half of the Florida delegates, with the other half being selected by Minnesota. Or something like that. I can't keep track any more.

I personally think my wife came up with the best solution: Why not hold a texting primary? We already have the technology. At least our children do. We could ask them how to use it.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, ``Wait a minute, Dave: Florida voters and technology do NOT mix. Many Florida residents can't operate their turn signals. They would totally screw up a texting primary. Many would injure themselves trying to retrieve their phones from their oatmeal.''

True, but it doesn't matter. We're just seeking closure here, to get Florida out of the national-ridicule spotlight. Whatever happens with the Florida Democratic delegation, neither Obama nor Clinton will have enough delegates to win the nomination. They're locked in a bitter struggle that I predict will continue right through the Democratic convention, and then through the November presidential election. Next January President McCain will be giving his inaugural address, while somewhere else in America, Clinton and Obama will be holding their 1,387th debate, with the hostility level between them having reached the point where the debate consists entirely of spitting.

Go here to read the whole thing. It's classic Dave Barry.

Complete Silliness - and Six More Weeks

--Wikipedia

February 2 - Groundhog Day.

When otherwise sane and sensible people stand over a hole in the ground for an animal, a rodent AKA woodchuck, land beaver, or whistlepig, to tell them what the weather is going to be like for the next six weeks. We always seek for signs of hope, do we not? Or signs of doom.

Here's the official prediction from Punxsutawney Phil.

Link to Punxsutawney Groundhog Club.

Oh, and for all us concerned-about-the-environment-type individuals, you will be happy to know that according to Wikipedia, the conservation status of the groundhog is that of "Least Concern."

And, one more, the name "woodchuck" has nothing to do with wood. It comes from the Algonquian word wuchak.

........................................................
And, with the return of frigid temps this past week, I was inspired to be Seussian...

I do not like winter, no I do not
I much prefer summer when weather is hot
The cold gives me aches, oh aches in the bones
And turns water into cold frozen stones

My car grinds and grunts and does quite a feat
Sliding over the bumps in the fearful old street
But sun shining down gives the promise of ... what?
More cold, more wind and a temperature drop.

No I do not like winter, certainly not
Send me to summer and whine? No I'll not.

(I agree- I will not quit my day job!)

A Headline to Pay Attention To

Here it is, the final reason to get in shape according to a headline on Yahoo! News today:

Getting in shape reduces death risk

That's funny, I thought the risk of death was somewhere in the 100% range.

Listening In...

It's been quite a long time since I posted one of those collections from Overheard in New York. First, I have not been particularly taken by too many. It has been a lot of sex and dirty talk for a while. Not the eclectic collection it had been. I have also not been paying a lot of attention. But this one made me laugh:

Dude #1: That show Intervention is genius. Drug addicts make great TV.
Dude #2: Oh, I know, but I prefer the enablers.

--1 train

They also make for a steady income for some of us. And no, I haven't watched the show. I like to leave work at work.

But tourists are still the best:

Comedy show guy: Would you folks like to go to stand-up comedy tonight?
Tourist group leader: Well, do we have to have to stand the whole time?

--43rd & Broadway

And then...

Lady taking picture of tourists: Do you want the Statue of Liberty in the background?
Hubby: Uh, that's the Empire State Building.

--Top of the Rock

And...

Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I'm looking for the actual square. Where's the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square... Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can't miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb ****.

--42nd & Broadway

But the locals have a lot to say, which even takes us in a circle back to where we started.

Man, as 'Angie' by Rolling Stones plays: Oh, man, this song reminds me of being on acid.
Wife, laughing: Me, too.
Man, as 'Tales of Brave Ulysses' by Cream comes on: Okay, no, this song reminds me of being on acid!
Wife: Me, too!
20-something daughter: I can totally hear you guys!

--Schiller's, Rivington St

I Just Can't Resist

This was today's joke on my Google page Joke for the Day. it was simply titled, The Best Goldfish Joke Ever. I have to agree:

Two goldfish were in their tank.
One turns to the other and says, 'You man theguns, I'll drive.'

How'd They Know?

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

For No Particular Reason

Here are two from Indexed a while back that tickled my fancy.





I guess I was struck in these by the fact that age is circular- what goes around comes around only it feels a lot different.

Too Much Time On Their Hands

Mark at BoingBoing led me to another one of those You Tube videos that prove that too many people have too much time on their hands. Who would have ever thought of Dice Stacking and something to perfect? Here's the link.



--------------------

And I came across this from Wired Magazine. I guess that Microsoft is having trouble with Vista? I know now why I haven't switched yet.

Microsoft Buckles, Gives Windows XP A Life Extension
By Scott Gilbertson September 28, 2007

The people have spoken and Microsoft is listening. The company has decided to continue selling Windows XP through the end of June 2008, which is five months past the original deadline. The extension applies to both retail sales of XP and the company's OEM deals with major manufacturers.

“There are some customers who need a little more time to make the switch to Windows Vista,” says Mike Nash, the head of Windows product management, in an interview on the Microsoft PR site. “We’re responding to feedback we have gotten from our OEM partners that some customers will benefit by extending availability of Windows XP.”

There’s been much ado about Windows Vista and it’s hardware requirements versus XP, and the web is filled with tales of disgruntled users “upgrading” back to XP after experiencing problems with Vista. CNet recently ran an editorial calling for Microsoft to abandon Vista, or the OS “will bring the software giant to its knees.”
--Wired Blogs

From F1 to Football to Good News

First, Formula 1 Racing:

SPA-FRANCORCHAMPS, Belgium, Sept. 13 — McLaren Mercedes, the leading auto-racing team in the Formula One world championship, was fined $100 million today and excluded from the constructors championship this season, after the International Automobile Federation found the team guilty of cheating by using data obtained from Ferrari, its main rival, to improve its own car.
--NYT

Then on to football:

Belichick Won't Discuss Alleged Spying
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. (AP) -- .... New England beat the New York Jets in last Sunday's season opener in which an on-field video camera allegedly focusing on Jets coaches was confiscated from a Patriots employee.

The New England coach was fined the NFL maximum of $500,000 Thursday and the Patriots were ordered to pay $250,000 for stealing an opponent's defensive signals.

Commissioner Roger Goodell also ordered the team to give up next year's first-round draft choice if it reaches the playoffs and second- and third-round picks if it doesn't.
--Associated Press

When winning becomes the only thing- any way to win becomes fair game. What a commentary! There's lots and lots of money in winning, too, which just adds to the pressures- both internal and external. Somehow we lose perspective. These are only games.

But at least someone is working on the important things in life- the things that really get you upset and ready to even say bad words. So with all the news of spying on games, here's some good news of a truly important move forward.

Stepping in gum on the sidewalk won't be such a sticky situation anymore—scientists have invented nonstick gum.

Clean Gum, as it is called, supposedly can be easily removed from shoes and pavement (as well as from hair, skin, and clothes). So walk down the street without fear of ruining your favorite shoes.
--LiveScience

Protecting Us Well
This is too good not to pass on. The unknown author is really good! (It also gives me a day's rest from thinking up something interesting, profound or sublime after vacation.)

NEW YORK, NY - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said. “They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘ unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are three sides to every triangle’.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

From BD and OCICBW

A Fine Reminder
I found this at Good For Nothing thanks to MadPriest. I have heard it before and it's been around a while, but it's worth remembering. After all we all have best friends, too.

A man and his dog were walking down a country road, when they were hit by a truck. Coming to, the man found he was still on the same road, but now there were a pair of pearly gates just ahead of him.
"Where is this?" he asked the white-bearded gatekeeper.
"It's heaven," came the reply. "You were both hit by a truck and killed, and that's why you're here. Come on in – but we don't allow pets, so you'll have to leave the dog."
"I don't know," replied the man. "I think I'll just carry on walking a bit further."
A mile down the road, he came across another set of pearly gates.
"Where is this?" he asked the gatekeeper.
"It's heaven," came the reply.
"But I thought heaven was a mile further back," said the man.
"No," said the gatekeeper. "That's hell. They're not very good neighbours, but at least they filter out people who would leave their best friends behind."

God's One True Sport
Ben Myers has posted a new set of propositions from Kim Fabricius: Ten reasons why baseball is God's game. A few of my favorites are:

2. Baseball is about coming home. The whole point of the game is to finish where you begin – home plate – and once you are home you are finally safe.
“In my beginning is my end…
Home is where one starts from…
In my end is my beginning.”
(T. S. Eliot, “East Coker”)

5. It has its saints – e.g. Lou Gehrig (the Iron Horse) and Jackie Robinson (the first African-American player of the modern era) – and sinners – e.g. “Shoeless” Joe Jackson (who took a bribe) and Barry Bonds (who is alleged to have taken steroids). And there is the Great Satan: the New York Yankees.

8. It has its Suffering Servant, viz. the Chicago Cubs, the “Cubbies,” a team annually “like a sheep led to the slaughter” (and crucial to the game is the play called the “sacrifice”). But “Cub fans love the Cubs, warts and all, no questions asked. This quality is called faith” (Peter Glenbock).

This made me think of one of George Carlin's classic routines where he compares baseball and football. Here are a few of his insights:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
--from Baseball Almanac

How true, how true. Baseball is so sweet, especially in person. We're even going to be getting our own new stadium here in the Twin Cities for our Minnesota Twins. While I do look forward to some good outdoor baseball, I also wonder about games in April and October, especially the end of October when we get back to the World Series again. Minnesota can be cruel with her weather.

Of course we can also root for global warming to keep us out of trouble.

Saturday In the Air
Back in January Ben Witherington posted some fun dialogs from airplanes to ground control. Here are a few of them...

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

************************************************************

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"

*************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."