Ready for GOP Week?

In my mind is an awful memory. It was Chicago. The year was 1968. The nation was probably as divided as it had been since the Civil War. We watched as police and protestors clashed in Grant Park and outside the convention center and delegates' hotels. Walter Cronkite called the scene outside a "police state." An investigation later called it a police riot. Mayor Daley's face is forever etched into my memory as he angrily made a fist and scowled at the camera.

This has been a nightmare for 48 years. It was a low point in our political process. I watched it all with fear and anger, sadness and disbelief. We had seen so many riots and protests around the world and were witnesses to the failed attempt at a democratic breakthrough in Czechoslovakia which had been squashed by the Soviets less than a week earlier. There were, to many, eerie similarities. We can't be seeing this in our own country, can we?

The protestors picked up a chant from Prague:

The Whole World is Watching

which indeed it was.

The whole world is watching again, I am sure, as the GOP gathers in Cleveland, OH to nominate Donald Trump as their presidential candidate. The whole world watches because what we do here in the US can have significant impact around the world. What we do here is not limited to our borders.

The whole world is watching and try as I might, the pictures of Chicago 1968 are as fresh as ever- and as fearful as ever. Maybe even more so. We have already seen some violence at Trump campaign events and protests are promised for Cleveland. In the past few years there has been increased violence in protests against police. We have seen riots in many different cities, protests ending in arrests, a sniper attack against police and a mind-numbing series of mass murders against whoever the deranged individuals want to attack. At the same time many police forces have become more militarized, almost like small armies. It is all a set-up for disaster. In short, we are living on the edge.

The Democrats aren't in a much better position, although they are working together to mend their internally broken fences. Anything can happen there, as well. Philadelphia isn't exactly a small-town and has had its share of problems. Headlines indicate that things could wreak havoc there as well as in Cleveland.

In many ways our political and cultural system is facing the most important two weeks in many decades. Police forces in two big cities have one of the most difficult tasks they have seen in just as long. Americans like to protest. It's how we got started several centuries ago. They will be there at both conventions.

I am trying to remain hopeful and calm. It is a difficult task these days. For most of us this is all out of our hands. We will be observers, like the rest of the world. We can do nothing about it directly. But I am going to do a couple things for my part:

• I will be praying for peace. I will be praying that we can recognize our fellow Americans of all political, racial, gender orientation, or opinion. We are all Americans and need to work together to keep our American experiment moving forward.
• I will make a pledge to avoid making inflammatory statements or judgments. Sadly, though, it has reached a point where making any statement of opinion on one side of an issue or another brings condemnation. We must move beyond that! We must re-learn how to dialogue. I will work somehow to do that.

That may not sound like a lot- and it isn't in the whole scheme of things. But it is what I can do. Perhaps the Serenity Prayer needs to be at the center of my life for the next two weeks. I invite you to join me. It may not change what happens in Cleveland and Philadelphia, but it may help each of us to find our way in these difficult times.

God grant us the serenity 

to accept the things we cannot change,

the courage to change the things we can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Super Tuesday is Coming!

You would think I could find something better to talk about on this leap day Monday than politics. Actually, I probably could, but tomorrow is another big day in the election year. Yes, all the media are hyping the possibilities and probabilities along with the odds and percentages of each candidate.

So far none of these "Big Days!" in the election cycle have proven to be decisive. Will tomorrow? Eh!

It would be nice if it did. We could settle down to less hype, although I doubt that would happen or bring about more discussion of issues. That is not happening in this election year. I don't see why things should change. What I have seen is that the "Establishment" of both parties is trying to figure out what to do with this runaway train of dissatisfaction that is threatening the very heart of both party machines.

Chris Christie supports Trump instead of Rubio and Lindsay Graham says that the GOP has gone "batshit crazy." Democrat pundits try to point out the errors in Bernie Sanders' logic, trying to undermine his apparent support. Trump continues to be Trump, what looks like an almost unstoppable ride to the nomination.

The rest of us sit on the sidelines and scratch our heads. I shake my head many times a day when I hear the news and ask

What in the world has happened to our system?

I know there have been mud fights like this before. I know that politics has never been a "let's sit down and discuss this like gentlemen" system. At least not when it comes to elections! (And yes, it was almost always men, so the gentlemen is not out of historical context.) But this year seems to have hit a new low, jumped the shark, or whatever superlative description you want to use.

Popular author and pastor Max Lucado did something new and unusual for him last week. He wrote an editorial piece that was published in the Washington Post calling for decency in the campaign. He cited Donald Trump's language and tactics and, rightly, I believe, said that such tactics wouldn't even be fit for a "middle-school election." All these things, Lucado said, are done with the Bible in one hand.

What became the "money quote" for me in the article was this paragraph:

The stock explanation for Mr. Trump’s success is this: He has tapped into the anger of the American people. As one man said, “We are voting with our middle finger.” Sounds more like a comment for a gang-fight than a presidential election. Anger-fueled reactions have caused trouble ever since Cain was angry at Abel.

Lucado has never made political statements in public before. He could not, I am sure, sit idly by with these.

Like Lucado I am looking around and seeing this anger-fueled election.  And if I think it's bad now, I don't believe we have seen the half of it. I received a robo-call the other day which sent shivers up my spine. It was from some person somewhere who claimed to be a "white nationalist" supporting Donald Trump because we are facing "white genocide" where "beautiful little white children" are being denigrated and killed. He even got in a non-named attack on "Cubans" who are running for president.

We have seen crazy memes on Facebook likening socialism (i.e. Bernie Sanders) to Hitler and Stalin with no awareness of history, politics, or economics. Hillary is easily depicted as the most foul and criminal person ever to run for president.

It is only the end of February. No matter who is nominated in either party, the general election will become a bloodbath of hatred, prejudice, and many other very difficult insinuations and downright declarations.

I can do nothing about it, I am afraid. All I can do is write these posts, send them off as words of hope that we can do something to avoid the pain of what we have been seeing. I am powerless.  Not a new idea for me as a recovering person. So in the end I find myself in that extremely difficult position of having strong opinions, strong fears, and a deep, heavy cloud of despair filling the election season around me.

When that happens all I can do is say the Serenity Prayer again.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I will continue to look for the ways I can do something, praying for the courage to stand up for those things, but also knowing that in the end all I can really do is write these posts, express my opinions, and then vote.

I promise I will at least do those.

Maybe we can hope that tomorrow some of this will find some resolution. Maybe we can begin to talk about some of this with a little more decency. I am not hopeful, at least about the public dialogue, however. But maybe, as we ponder these things and look into our own national soul, we can find a way to bring about the change in the election atmosphere that we need.

A Starting (and Startling) Insight

Susan Sontag, Illness As Metaphor (1978), foreword, p. 3, Farrar, Straus and Giroux

Illness is the night-side of life, a more onerous citizenship. Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks ago I found out about a good, important and long-time friend who is wrestling with "end-of-life" issues. That, of course, is a fancy way of saying he is in the advanced stages of a life-threatening, terminal illness. We've talked on the phone a few times and I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on the issues he is facing- and which we will all deal with some day. Being in the second half of my sixties it is obvious that I am closer to that than I am to birth. I have also been through many times of people dying in my life. Grandparents and parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and a nephew, best friends, a college roommate and hundreds of church members have all "passed on" during my life. In the past couple years one of my best friends learned of a genetic disease which places him at risk; another has been through some real medical difficulties emphasizing his health concerns; now the person who was there at the beginning of my adulthood, helping me discover what it means to be me.

Last week at work one of our doctors gave a talk that included the above passage from Susan Sontag. The phrases- "kingdom of the well" and "kingdom of the ill" resonated as did the thought that one day we all will exchange our "passports" from one kingdom to the other. I remembered the essay, but needed a refresher so I read the book. It is an "easy" read as Sontag gives us a history of the use of metaphor to describe first tuberculosis and then cancer. (Note: She later updated this to include AIDS.) The book was written in 1978, more than 35 years ago and may be at least partly responsible for the changes that I could sense in the specific metaphors she was dealing with.

Here, from Wikipedia is a summation:

[S]he challenged the "blame the victim" mentality behind the language society often uses to describe diseases and those who suffer from them.

Drawing out the similarities between public perspectives on cancer (the paradigmatic disease of the 20th century before the appearance of AIDS), and tuberculosis (the symbolic illness of the 19th century), Sontag shows that both diseases were associated with personal psychological traits. In particular, she says that the metaphors and terms used to describe both syndromes lead to an association between repressed passion and the physical disease itself. She notes the peculiar reversal that "With the modern diseases (once TB, now cancer), the romantic idea that the disease expresses the character is invariably extended to assert that the character causes the disease–because it has not expressed itself. Passion moves inward, striking and blighting the deepest cellular recesses."
-Link

Sontag was reacting to some of the then "alternative" therapies such as the use of psychotherapy, that ended up causing many people with illnesses to see it as their fault. When AIDS came along a few years later, this "blaming the victim" became even more prevalent. AIDS was, at times, presented as God's judgement on Gay people, for example.

I actually remember sometime during this early- to mid-1970s period reflecting back ten years on my mother's death from colon cancer. I recall wondering what she had repressed in her life that she died at age 48? What fears or anger or resentments was she holding in that ate away at her?

That was real, progressive, alternative thinking in 1975. Does that sound crazy in 2015? Not to some people. Every now and then you may still hear someone speak of a person who has a "cancer personality." Or when some research seems to indicate that a virus may be involved in some cancers, people don't believe it. When there is a vaccine, for example, some people discourage its use since it will "encourage" bad behavior which, of course causes cancer.

In some ways, thought, what all this can be is a difficulty accepting our individual powerlessness in the face of illness and death. To be able to blame it on some flaw or fault in our personality that we could have done something about, gives us a sense of lost power, yes, it's an awareness "too late" to do anything about it; but at least we are not powerless. We caused it. It is our fault. (I'll come back to that...)

First a bit more from Wikipedia about where this all goes:

Sontag says that the clearest and most truthful way of thinking about diseases is without recourse to metaphor. The tone of her treatise was angry and combative, and she makes sweeping claims that, while perhaps true to a first approximation, may go too far (Donoghue, 1978).

She believed that wrapping disease in metaphors discouraged, silenced, and shamed patients. Other writers have disagreed with her, saying that metaphors and other symbolic language help affected people form meaning out of their experiences (Clow, 2001).
-Link

Finding meaning in dying?

The current way of expressing that can be seen in obituaries where they will say that the person "fought a courageous battle" against the disease that took their life. I have at times reflected on that passage and realize that this still fits within the metaphor image.

My mother died of cancer before this phrase was used. As a 13-year old boy I wouldn't have said that I saw courage. I saw a disease taking her. She was powerless. And that scared the crap out of me. Was there meaning in that for her? For my Dad? For me? I don't think so. The meaning of dying is simple- "I am done. Time to move on."

Finding meaning in dying? Isn't that a little late to find meaning?

Or, as I have been asking it for about 25 years now,

What is the meaning of life if it ends in death?

That is something that we should not be ignoring at any time in our lives. The clearest and most truthful way IS, as Sontag says, to leave the metaphors aside, at least as we come to grips with our own mortality. It is to recognize that we do have citizenship in what appears to be two kingdoms. It also means seeing that these two kingdoms are not as far apart as we like them to be. It may even be that they are night and day of the same reality. Not flip sides, but part of a continuum.

As I have listened to my two friends wrestling with their end-of-life awareness I have been reminded of my own mortality. I have been reminded, as a radiologist said to one of the friends,

Life is a terminal illness.

But that is insufficient as well. While it places living and dying into the same plane, it also keeps the illness metaphor. Yet let's be real- we may not be able to speak of the unknown in any way other than metaphor. We use metaphorical language all the time to speak of God, in spite of what many fundamentalist literalists like to think.

So, then, where has that led me in these weeks as I have again come face-to-face with the human experience of this life/death citizenship? First,

• The meaning of life may be found in living in spite of dying.
• The meaning of death may be found in how we lived.
• And, I believe, it is in those "meanings" that we find the courage to continue in spite of illness or impending death.

At that point, as I always have to do, I return to the Twelve Steps of AA and the recovery world. As I learned early on from a spiritual guide, it is only when we come to the acceptance of our dying- the last step of death, dying and grief- that we have reached the First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I am powerless and my life is unmanageable.

Leading me to Step Two

Do I believe there is some "high power" that can move me forward in sanity in spite of that?

If so, then there is Step Three

Let that higher power be my guide and source of power.

Everything else is how we do it. Simple? Sure.  Simplistic? No, not the way I have seen it. It is a daily walk in hope and meaning. The things I learn today at 66 are far different than the things I was learning 25 years ago when I first discovered these steps.

This is NOT, I repeat NOT, giving up. Powerlessness is NOT giving in to dying!! Notice again that it is only when we accept our powerlessness that we can seek the power to move on. It is only when we recognize the reality of what we face that we can look for the answers, decisions, directions and options that may impact who we are and what we do.

Illness itself may be the wrong metaphor in the end since it has a negative connotation. Can we accept "illness" as a given, part of our humanity? Can we accept that it will happen? In doing so can we also be ready to continue to affirm and uphold life when it does?

That may be a way that allows for more honesty, hope, and support.That is where courage comes in. That is where the courageous battle against an illness is not a denial of the illness but rather a willingness to seek support, care, treatment. It is a reminder that, yes, we all will die, but until that happens, we are still in the "kingdom" of the living!

A Thought from Behind the Keyboard

Some days you just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after you. From depths of uncertainty comes the feeling that enough is enough.

Usually the thoughts pop up when things seem the least likely to make sense. You shake your head and wonder what the hell life is all about. No, not in a giving-up kind of way; just the confused way that keeps looking for answers and insights and direction.

Sometimes the answer is just not there. Sometimes the questions are simply the lack of control one feels over the environment, the politics, the world, other people and on... and on... and on.

I have discovered that when that happens I need to do something creative that is totally unrelated to anything I'm trying to figure out. At those moments I play my trumpet or dig out my journal and pen and get the physical pleasure of writing on paper. Or I sit here behind the keyboard having done some writing and editing on an upcoming post or article for Blogcritics.

Life drifts slowly back to the center. It doesn't seem quite the way it did before. Even though I haven't solved anything and all those things over which I have no power, influence or leverage are still there, they have lost their monstrous frame and look like just another day's journey through life.

For me that was this week's post-modern pilgrimage. In the middle was creativity, and music, and people I like being with. It keeps me mindful of what is important and not to sweat the small stuff- which is just about everything around me each day. In the great scheme of things, most things are small things.

Can't get much better than that.

Two To Think for Today

I'm glad Jesus didn't Tweet:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Blessed are t
(The Tweet on the Mount)
--Kim Fabricius

On a more deeply profound turn, consider this from Ben Myers, also at Faith and Theology:

I went to see a doctor and he gave it to me straight. It is my heart, that's what he told me. Apparently I have a condition that makes my heart wear out after the first seven or eight decades of my life. Subtract from that a few years for every unhealthy lifestyle choice I've ever made along the way: smoking, drinking, not jogging, using real butter instead of margarine, too much salt, too much sugar, too much of the wrong sort of fat, not enough of the right sort of fat, too many of the wrong kinds of drugs, not enough of the right kinds, too much sitting in front of the television, not enough rest, not enough vegetables, too many non-organic vegetables with all those nasty carcinogens sprayed all over them, all subtracting year after year after year from an already perilously short life. Taking everything together, I'll be lucky if I get another forty years out of this heart. Less than thirty if my grandfathers' lousy tickers are anything to go by. Bloody genes, can't live with them, can't live without them.
--Ben Myers, As I Sit Dying

When one comes to terms with what Ben is talking about, and accepts it as a reality to be lived with, you are at the First Step.

Much is possible after that point; more than you ever imagined.

Ponderings on Downsizing

It is now four years since we sold our house and moved into an apartment. That action was a minor trauma. We had to look toward downsizing and, I believe, we managed to take some amazing actions.

Actually some of it was more than a minor trauma. I still have two images in my mind- the first was the car filled with nearly 30 boxes of books we donated. The other was unloading old electronics at the local recycling center, equipment that had not been used in years but held great memories. When I drove away it was with an awareness of how much money had just been recycled.

I have a hunch that some of us hold on to things because we don't know how to let go. Or perhaps it's a hedge against getting older. Or maybe it's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Or, just plain fear that what you toss out today you will most surely need again next week, even if it has been in that box in the closet now for four years.

Then there are pictures and books that have sentiment attached. So and so gave me that book. Or that book REALLY moved me in a new way of thinking. Or that one is a classic.

How about all those CDs I had digitized and now have more music on my iTunes library than I can listen to in a month of continuous 24/7 playing, including nearly 1400 Christmas songs. Maybe I need to take another look at that OCD symptom list.

What brought this on was sitting in my computer room looking around and wondering how in heaven's name I was ever going to clean things out. To truly downsize these books and boxes, tiwzzles and mementos from 63 years of my life, 40 years of marriage, 35 years of a career, or just the music I have discovered I like in the last six months. To let go would be to give in to aging. To get rid of them would be to say I may never need them again. Or all those papers, tax, finance, legal, etc. How long do I keep them? Why bother with something that is from 40 years ago.

I remember when we had to clean out my father-in-law's house a few years ago. I kept asking why he kept that. I still don't know why he kept those things- and I am no closer to finding out why I keep them- or how to stop.

Yes, I know I am rambling and not getting to the heart of the matter. Not really. Even minor hoarding like I do may be a sign of an inability to trust that we will have what we need when we need it. My wife has said for years (and I agree) that at least some significant portion of all this was triggered originally by being "orphaned" as a teen. Life will change, I learned, but if I hold on tight to some things perhaps I can maintain balance and my place in the world.

This rambling is all taking place on Saturday evening and, as I write, I realized again that this would be my Dad's 106th birthday. He died a very long time ago, at age 59. I am 63 today. I knew him for 16 years. I have known one of my best friends for 27 years, my daughter for nearly 31 and my wife for 41. Maybe part of my holding on is to keep the past alive. If I give up it may mean that those of the past will be forgotten. Or the events will lose any meaning.

Yes, it sounds like I am playing a game of ring around the circle or psycho-babble and analysis. Why do these things go through my head? Why can I not find it easier to let go? As I sat and stared at the books and boxes Saturday evening I kept saying that to clean out- to downsize or get rid of things I don't need or won't even use or look at- would be to give up. It would be to finally admit that I am mortal and time-limited and ultimately powerless. To hang on like I do may very well be an attempt to keep my life managed BY ME.

In the end I have the feeling that most of us wrestle with these issues as we age. It is not an easy thing to wrap ones mind around. It is not about life after death. It is not about heaven or hell or nothing. It is simply recognizing the arrow of time heading in a direction we find hard to accept.

Yet this is Thanksgiving week. I know that the best antidote to these thoughts, and perhaps the fear of becoming nothing, is to look at the day we are given each and every day. I have been blessed to have far more than either of my parents. I have many reasons to be grateful today- and I am. All this pondering becomes a way of ignoring what is around me. All the baggage of the past I have stored in my closet and on my selves and in the files can be a burden. Perhaps it holds me back from what is next, or its weight is slowing down the growth I continue to experience.

So maybe, just maybe, I should take the advice I would give you or others: Stay in today. Turn it over. Be grateful and see what you have.

If it works now as it has in the past, I'll let you know.

Mesmerizing In A Different Way

NOAA GOES East late Friday EDT

 
The day before yesterday I posted that awesome video of dancers doing a Bob Fosse choreographed routine to Sing, Sing, Sing. I called it "mesmerizing."


Today I have been mesmerized by the incredible power of Hurricane Irene. It is not even a "major" hurricane and it is becoming historic. No, I don't think this is media hype. I have been a weather watcher for 40 years and while there have been big storms with big damage, this one has a lot of differences. At any given point along the NE coast millions of people are within the range of being impacted by:

• Wind
• Rain
• Tornadoes
• Serious flooding
• Even more serious beach erosion

New York City, for the first time in history, is evacuating and shutting down the transit system. Right there in direct or indirect ways over 8 million people are being affected.

No, this is not an over-reaction. We have not seen a storm like this hit an area like this in decades. Even Katrina was not impacting the Gulf Coast like Irene is. It has size, intensity, and lots and lots of people in its way.

So why are we mesmerized? It almost seems like a cliche to say that we can't believe this can happen in the modern world. Katrina, with thousands hunkered down in a football stadium, felt like a fluke. You know- if the levees had held it wouldn't have been as bad. It's hard to remember Andrew where mile upon mile upon mile of homes and businesses disappeared.

In spite of all our modern powers, when faced with something like Irene we are as poor and naked as we have ever been. We are weak, powerless human beings. At least today we have the technology to know long enough ahead that it's going to hit- and the ability to run away far more quickly than when we needed horse and buggy. There will not be a lot of loss of life although any loss is tragic. We will hear the "It wasn't all that bad" survivors who "toughed it out." We will hear cries of "Hype!" if in any given place it isn't as bad as expected.

But let's admit it. Let's stand in awe of the power of the world around us. No matter how strong we think we are, we are still tiny in the face of the storm, let along the power of the cosmos beyond.  Is that hype? Maybe. But it is hype that can keep us aware of our place and lead us to the humbling position of accepting what we cannot change.

The First Fear

It has always been reported that the greatest fear people have is public speaking. Never having been cursed with that particular fear I had never thought much about what might be one of those basic primal fears. There are a number of possibilities of course...

1) Fear of being eaten alive by predators;
2) Fear of the dark;
3) Fear of death.

But Sunday morning my Pastor Wife preached on fear, which is an important subject since there are, allegedly, 366 instances of "Fear not!" in the Bible. It seems to be the single most important "command" from heavenly messengers of all types.

But then she went back to the first moment when a human being, facing the creator, was afraid. It goes back to the scene in the Garden after the encounter with the serpent and the apple. Adam hides when God comes roaming through the Garden. When God asks why Adam is afraid, Adam responds with all seeming innocence...

I was naked and therefore afraid.

Being naked.

If, as I believe, the Biblical record gives us a glimpse into the ancient human psyche and its very primitive if not primal responses, perhaps the fear of being seen naked is one of those first and foremost fears.

Being naked leaves us vulnerable. It leaves us unprotected and possibly even unprotectable. It leaves us open to all our humanity being displayed for all to see. Psychologically it is therefore a potentially disastrous possibility.

Perhaps the underlying symbolism is the very act of being born. And dying.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart." -Job 1:21 (NIV)

the very fact that Adam knows he is naked is important. He has now come into knowledge of good and evil. He knows he is naked. He knows that before the great and awesome God he is nothing. That is new. That is the loss of innocence and the beginning of fear.

So he hid.

Like all of us when faced with what we perceive as our shame. But it is not the shame- why would he feel that? It is the fear. It is perhaps the fear of punishment NOW KNOWING he has disobeyed. But beneath that and deeper than that he now knows he is vulnerable. There is a God and Adam isn't Him.

Maybe all the other fears branch from this basic human awareness of being ultimately vulnerable. Powerless. Maybe fear could have a different result if we stopped thinking we are in charge and allow life to be life. Sure, easier said than done, but it is worth a shot.

You Never Know What You Don't Know

Especially about the future. Then the future sneaks up on you and it all changes. Back in June I mentioned that I was having some lower leg and lower back issues going on. They sent me for tests, MRIs, X-rays, EMGs, vascular checkup. Then a week ago I went to the spine clinic for all the information to be put into a coherent package followed by an appointment with the neurosurgeon who worked on me 2 1/2 years ago.

Somewhere in the depths of my brain I knew that it was not as good as I was hoping it would be. Little hints were there. The one doctor's response to a new reflex in my right leg wasn't encouraging. So after one more MRI (this time in the cervical spine) we have determined that it will be time for more surgery. In fact, probably two surgeries- one lumbar, the other cervical.

Fortunately the cervical is mostly asymptomatic at this point and isn't expected to go south over the next few months. He did warn me, though, that if there is a significant shift I should be in touch immediately. It looks like the lumbar surgery will most likely be in late September and the cervical in January.

I have been bummed all week. Just at the point where I am really working on getting into good shape, my weight is dropping(!!) and all kinds of fun things lie ahead, it's back to the operating room. I am probably going through a grief reaction- losing something that I have been working at getting- and then having to build all over again.

So I have once again, as always, found myself sitting back at that First Step- powerlessness. I am doing what I can do, and trying to let the rest up to God. I am realizing again(!) that there are more things in the world that I can't control than I can. That even includes significant parts of my own life. In the end that is all I can admit to, let it go, and then see what all this can mean.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Boy, Do I Have Power!

The other day I was innocently working out at the gym, doing the elliptical routine, listening to music on my iPod. I glanced at the bank of TVs and noticed that on that day in 1967 the song, "Windy" by the Association was #1.

"Hmmm," I thought to myself, "I know "Windy" is somewhere on this iPod. Wouldn't it be neat if it played now?"

Yes, you know what happened within 5 minutes. The totally somewhat random shuffle of 2500 songs on my iPod played "Windy."

As I rocked to the song my mind started to play some games. I have power. All I had to do was think it and it happened. Maybe that's the secret of life- successful and happy life.

Just ask for it and it will be given.

Then I realized I was talking about that "spiritual" [sic] phenomenon known as The Secret. Just imagine what you want and the world will give it to you. That's the promise and hope of life.

But then my mind went to a passage in Huckleberry Finn about the same subject.

Then Miss Watson she took me in the closet and prayed, but nothing come of it. She told me to pray every day, and whatever I asked for I would get it. But it warn't so. I tried it. Once I got a fish-line, but no hooks. It warn't any good to me without hooks. I tried for the hooks three or four times, but somehow I couldn't make it work. By and by, one day, I asked Miss Watson to try for me, but she said I was a fool. She never told me why, and I couldn't make it out no way.

I set down one time back in the woods, and had a long think about it. I says to myself, if a body can get anything they pray for, why don't Deacon Winn get back the money he lost on pork? Why can't the widow get back her silver snuffbox that was stole? Why can't Miss Watson fat up? No, says I to my self, there ain't nothing in it.

So I guess maybe I was a little ahead of myself. There isn't any such secret. Coincidences happen. And maybe, in some mysterious way, thinking can cause things to change. Quantum physics posits many things far stranger than that. But somehow or another I don't think I should invest my fortune in it.

But then, maybe I'll see what happens the next time I'm working out and a song comes on the iPod that was just hinted at on TV. Then if it happens a third time....

Just When You Think It's Safe

You could also say,

There's Always Something

or

**** Happens

or...

well, take your pick. Life is like that. Up- down- around- through- over and over. That's what happened to me last week when I went for my general medical exam, aka- yearly physical.  For the past three - five weeks I have had some calf pain that has made it more difficult than usual to walk for more than short lengths without pain. At first I thought it was something I might have done wrong while exercising.

But it wasn't going away. Walking back from lunch to my office I would find myself getting tired from the effort. Which never happened, even after last week's 32-mile bike ride. It didn't make sense. So I mentioned it to my doctor at my physical. And he gets this look on his face that makes one stop and think. He then starts asking some other questions.

Hmmm. Not a good sign. Sort of scary, actually. I never knew that calf muscle pain could be caused by back problems or vascular issues. Since I have a history of lower back pain (spinal stenosis) this should have come as no surprise. But I have never had this problem before it was a surprise. That and the possibility of vascular issues? Whoa!

For someone who exercises as much as I do this isn't supposed to happen.

But it does. Some of it is simply that age-old issue: age. After nearly 63 years of life, things aren't always going to be working the way they used to. I am amazed at what I can still do and am still hopeful that I can continue to do these things- and more. Later this month I am planning on starting an exercise program at the local workout-place to get the weight and body mass index (BMI) under control. Which in and of itself could have a positive impact on the lower back if that is what the cause is.

Until then it is do the medical tests and see what is going on back there. Not an easy thing to let go of. That is another one of those things that crop up from time-to-time that force me back to work the First Step as I talked about yesterday.

I am powerless over many, many things. My life does not go the way I want it to.

So I have to stay in today. Enjoy these 24-hours and let my Higher Power take care of the rest while I do what I can do.

Which is good enough for me- and enough for me to handle for today.

Change Your Perspective

There have been days when my normal ability to spin into the positive side of things just falls apart. I get downright frustrated with myself at those moments. Yet I also find myself stuck in the rut of whining and complaining; grumbling and groaning. My co-workers want to kick me in the butt and my wife wants to hit me up the side of the head.

So, with a period of that whining in the past couple weeks I ran across this quote:

Unquestionably, there are sad things in the world right now, even in my life right now, but grumbling doesn't make anything better. In fact, it makes things worse. The Buddha taught, "Every mind moment conditions the next."
— Sylvia Boorstein in It's Easier Than You Think

It makes sense, but it can be tough when you are stuck. the "Yes, but..." syndrome fills in all the blanks and takes over. That usually means it is time to let go. It is time to see how powerless I am in many things and turn it over.

Maybe that's one of the reasons for the weekly Sabbath (to rest) and for us as Christians, the Lord's Day to remember the resurrection that can even happen in my life.

Today.

Beyond Belief

The power of the earth was shown again in yesterday's earthquake/tsunami in Japan. I watched the videos with a sense of incredible disbelief. How quickly life changes in times like that.

I know none of this is a surprise or particularly profound. But I was struck by one of the headline questions on an article:

Could the Quake Have Been Predicted?

We humans naturally hate unpredictability. If we can only dig deep enough, think the right way, find enough information, nothing should be beyond our ability to predict. There must have been, we believe, enough warning signs that this was going to happen that we could have predicted it if we had enough information and knew where to look.

Oh, if that were only true. When in reality it is far more chaotic and uncertain than that. It is far beyond our puny human ability to understand all the many forces at work that may have started miles away from the Japanese coast. Like the proverbial butterfly wing flapping in China causing a tornado in Minnesota, these forces of nature are so enormous and so fragile in their own geologic way, we will be lucky if we ever get good enough to predict an earthquake before it slides.

Sure, I know that I could be wrong. People have made statements like that about many things and been shown to be in error within days or years. But there is so much we don't understand; so much that is far beyond the vision that we have. We may get closer, but the BIG ONES will always elude us.

That is the price we pay for being human. We are powerless and in the end much of our lives are unmanageable. When we come to accept that, we have begun to find the source of serenity and grace.

A Step One Prayer

We admitted we were powerless and our lives are unmanageable. So why, then, do we keep trying to gain and use power?

Let us pray:

May all of your expectations be frustrated,
May all of your plans be thwarted,
May all of your desires be withered into nothingness,
That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child
And can sing and dance in the love of God,
Who is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

The Benediction by Brennan Manning via The Margins

 I have a hunch that in life- as in recovery- it is finally when we experience and celebrate (YES! Celebrate) powerlessness that we can see life as it is meant to be. Through the eyes of God's love.

A Prayer in the Awareness of Powerlessness

Seems appropriate for just about any day:

There are times, O Lord, when I feel completely helpless to alter the circumstances in my life. I am powerless to turn around a bad economy, or ensure a favorable report from my doctor, or guarantee my spouse will always love me, or make sure I am never in an accident. When I sense that I have no control over what is occurring in my life, my energy lags and fear and frustration begin to overwhelm me. Let your spirit of peace spill freely over me until I recover my inner calm. Help me remember that it is not control that gives me peace, but knowing that I am loved and beloved by the heart of heaven.
--Explore Faith

Two Weeks to Go

Two weeks from today will be my surgery. I thought I was doing okay until Monday evening when I noticed that I was low on energy. At first I thought it was too much exercise over the weekend and Monday.

Nah. Sounded like denial to me when I thought it.

Then I realized that under the surface I have been starting to ponder the surgery more. I can't say I am worried, afraid, or anxious, but it is just starting to be a nagging sense of what is coming. I have not had a surgery since I had wisdom teeth pulled (and the resulting dry sockets and oral surgery) in late 1978 early 1979. Before that it was tonsils at age 10. This will be, for all practical purposes a whole new experience.

I can voice all the right ideas- powerlessness, trust, etc. But this will be a different way of seeing and feeling those. But it also means that I have to start practicing them now.

Lord, give me patience- and as quickly as possible.

Wow! The Power of Nature

- Link to NWS

We had a line of big storms plow through the Twin Cities Metro overnight. I very seldom wake up in thunderstorms. But this one woke me. It is amazing when there is constant lightning for a good half-hour or more. That means there's this constant rumble of thunder that never lets up.

Then add rain. I mean RAIN! Anywhere from .75" to 1.6" within a few miles of my home in about half an hour. It was blowing sideways, around, up and down. The rain gauge at the local Weather Bug recording station was obviously affected by the power going out.

Which may have been caused by wind gusts between 60 and 70 mph. Power was out for an hour and a half. Just as I turned on the TV to see what was happening.

After the rain stopped the lightning and the rumbling continued for a while. It was amazing to watch out the front window and the different ways the lightning illuminated the neighborhood. Front, side, back. Different shadows giving the houses different looks. And always the rumble.

It was a wild and wooly hour from 2:30 - 3:30.

Finally it moved away. The house got quiet. With no power all the little things that hum and purr were quiet. I laid in bed amazed by the silence. It is not something we hear very often in a house any more.

It was truly a time of awe which brings fear as well as amazement. If one doesn't have a little bit of fear at a moment like that one does not have a true appreciation of the power that is being displayed. Without that awe-some awe-fulness we do crazy things like drive into flooded roads or ignore storm warnings. To ignore the power at a time like that is to attempt to assert one's own power over the powers of the world around us- and perhaps even over God.

That is always a dangerous thing to do. If I have learned anything in my life it is that to ignore the power of God, whether shown in thunderstorms or God's will for one's life is to play with danger. Not because God is mean or vengeful, but because these are not tame powers. They are the raw power of the universe.

So admit it- we're pretty powerless over most things that can truly affect our lives. In accepting that we make a very big step forward in learning God's will and ways.

It's All Random?
I was sitting and talking to my boss yesterday. For some reason things are unusually quiet at our treatment center right now. The number of clients and assessments in what has usually been our big groups has decreased while the groups that were struggling have increased attendance. It's kind of like a cycle, we decided, but a cycle not based on anything.

Which connected to the book I have been reading, The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. It has been slow going because it is not as easy a read as I would like, but it is challenging. Basically he talks about the important role that randomness plays in most major events and decisions. Most MAJOR changes in history and events that are literally world-changing and life-shattering cannot be predicted. He also talks about how we fool ourselves into thinking we have ways of interpreting these events to make sense of them. We base the future on the past- which, believe it or not, isn't all that good a source of what is going to happen.

My favorite example he uses is the Thousand and One Days of a turkey. For a thousand days in a row the turkey is fed and taken care of - care fit for a king. If the turkey were in any way conscious of what is happening, he would believe that life was nothing short of wonderful. Of course it will continue. He knows nothing else, he knows no other way of expecting life to go.

Until day 1001 when he is made ready for the Thanksgiving Dinner. Without warning, it all changes. While to us that doesn't look random- it is for the turkey.

Such is the nature of unexpected events and the role of randomness. We don't like to think that life is random. We don't like to think that we are that out-of-control. But we are. There's a lot more to the book than this, but it is the underlying assumption. It is all chaos. It is random. How can we learn to live with it? I'll let you know when I get to the end of the book.