A Better Saying

I have often been hard on Church signs that have sayings that don't make sense, are overly cute, or just plain inane. Once in a while I do come across one that manages to say something that is a good reminder to me of my daily walk with my God and Higher Power. Here's the one I recently responded to in a positive way:

Is God your first thought or last resort?

My first response was easily

Great question!

As I pondered it further I naturally went to the old line that

there are no atheists in foxholes.

I'm not sure that is explicitly true, but it does clearly say that when our backs are up against a wall and there's no other way, people are more likely to turn to something or someone for help.

God as a last resort.

There's nothing wrong with that, of course. Most of the time we don't need to be stopping and praying to God for the least little thing. Those are the things I have always referred to as "parking place prayers." You know, you are running late, need to get to a store and out quickly so you say a prayer- God help me get a parking place quickly. [Full disclosure: While I admit to believing that the Creator of the universe has more important things to do, I do say those prayers from time to time.] But if that is the way I live, it is probably not the healthiest, in the long run. It can become simply a way of doing whatever I want to do and then asking God to bail me out.

So, I continued pondering the quote. I realized that this is the basic philosophy and way-of-life of the Twelve-Step groups. It is, in fact, Step Eleven:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.

In the Big Book of AA, Bill W. wrote,

We shouldn't be shy in this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it.

The basic message is the challenge to make God our first thought instead of last resort. That means living my life in the presence of God, knowing God's love and grace, ever aware of my need for God's power(!) and God's daily willingness to provide we what I need, not always what I want.

In other words, God's will should be my first thought, my daily prayer, and my constant source of gratitude. As one begins to live that in more and more ways (and it is not as simple as some make it sound!!!) one  learns the truth of the admonition to

Pray without ceasing!

What a burden is lifted at that point. I don't have to know what's next. I just have to work at keeping myself in God's will or, as one hears in the Twelve-Step fellowships

just doing the next right thing

I guess that church sign did its job the other day. It didn't get me in "their" church, but it did keep me thinking about my faith and spirituality.

Must have been my Higher Power at work.

As usual.

A Starting (and Startling) Insight

Susan Sontag, Illness As Metaphor (1978), foreword, p. 3, Farrar, Straus and Giroux

Illness is the night-side of life, a more onerous citizenship. Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks ago I found out about a good, important and long-time friend who is wrestling with "end-of-life" issues. That, of course, is a fancy way of saying he is in the advanced stages of a life-threatening, terminal illness. We've talked on the phone a few times and I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on the issues he is facing- and which we will all deal with some day. Being in the second half of my sixties it is obvious that I am closer to that than I am to birth. I have also been through many times of people dying in my life. Grandparents and parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and a nephew, best friends, a college roommate and hundreds of church members have all "passed on" during my life. In the past couple years one of my best friends learned of a genetic disease which places him at risk; another has been through some real medical difficulties emphasizing his health concerns; now the person who was there at the beginning of my adulthood, helping me discover what it means to be me.

Last week at work one of our doctors gave a talk that included the above passage from Susan Sontag. The phrases- "kingdom of the well" and "kingdom of the ill" resonated as did the thought that one day we all will exchange our "passports" from one kingdom to the other. I remembered the essay, but needed a refresher so I read the book. It is an "easy" read as Sontag gives us a history of the use of metaphor to describe first tuberculosis and then cancer. (Note: She later updated this to include AIDS.) The book was written in 1978, more than 35 years ago and may be at least partly responsible for the changes that I could sense in the specific metaphors she was dealing with.

Here, from Wikipedia is a summation:

[S]he challenged the "blame the victim" mentality behind the language society often uses to describe diseases and those who suffer from them.

Drawing out the similarities between public perspectives on cancer (the paradigmatic disease of the 20th century before the appearance of AIDS), and tuberculosis (the symbolic illness of the 19th century), Sontag shows that both diseases were associated with personal psychological traits. In particular, she says that the metaphors and terms used to describe both syndromes lead to an association between repressed passion and the physical disease itself. She notes the peculiar reversal that "With the modern diseases (once TB, now cancer), the romantic idea that the disease expresses the character is invariably extended to assert that the character causes the disease–because it has not expressed itself. Passion moves inward, striking and blighting the deepest cellular recesses."
-Link

Sontag was reacting to some of the then "alternative" therapies such as the use of psychotherapy, that ended up causing many people with illnesses to see it as their fault. When AIDS came along a few years later, this "blaming the victim" became even more prevalent. AIDS was, at times, presented as God's judgement on Gay people, for example.

I actually remember sometime during this early- to mid-1970s period reflecting back ten years on my mother's death from colon cancer. I recall wondering what she had repressed in her life that she died at age 48? What fears or anger or resentments was she holding in that ate away at her?

That was real, progressive, alternative thinking in 1975. Does that sound crazy in 2015? Not to some people. Every now and then you may still hear someone speak of a person who has a "cancer personality." Or when some research seems to indicate that a virus may be involved in some cancers, people don't believe it. When there is a vaccine, for example, some people discourage its use since it will "encourage" bad behavior which, of course causes cancer.

In some ways, thought, what all this can be is a difficulty accepting our individual powerlessness in the face of illness and death. To be able to blame it on some flaw or fault in our personality that we could have done something about, gives us a sense of lost power, yes, it's an awareness "too late" to do anything about it; but at least we are not powerless. We caused it. It is our fault. (I'll come back to that...)

First a bit more from Wikipedia about where this all goes:

Sontag says that the clearest and most truthful way of thinking about diseases is without recourse to metaphor. The tone of her treatise was angry and combative, and she makes sweeping claims that, while perhaps true to a first approximation, may go too far (Donoghue, 1978).

She believed that wrapping disease in metaphors discouraged, silenced, and shamed patients. Other writers have disagreed with her, saying that metaphors and other symbolic language help affected people form meaning out of their experiences (Clow, 2001).
-Link

Finding meaning in dying?

The current way of expressing that can be seen in obituaries where they will say that the person "fought a courageous battle" against the disease that took their life. I have at times reflected on that passage and realize that this still fits within the metaphor image.

My mother died of cancer before this phrase was used. As a 13-year old boy I wouldn't have said that I saw courage. I saw a disease taking her. She was powerless. And that scared the crap out of me. Was there meaning in that for her? For my Dad? For me? I don't think so. The meaning of dying is simple- "I am done. Time to move on."

Finding meaning in dying? Isn't that a little late to find meaning?

Or, as I have been asking it for about 25 years now,

What is the meaning of life if it ends in death?

That is something that we should not be ignoring at any time in our lives. The clearest and most truthful way IS, as Sontag says, to leave the metaphors aside, at least as we come to grips with our own mortality. It is to recognize that we do have citizenship in what appears to be two kingdoms. It also means seeing that these two kingdoms are not as far apart as we like them to be. It may even be that they are night and day of the same reality. Not flip sides, but part of a continuum.

As I have listened to my two friends wrestling with their end-of-life awareness I have been reminded of my own mortality. I have been reminded, as a radiologist said to one of the friends,

Life is a terminal illness.

But that is insufficient as well. While it places living and dying into the same plane, it also keeps the illness metaphor. Yet let's be real- we may not be able to speak of the unknown in any way other than metaphor. We use metaphorical language all the time to speak of God, in spite of what many fundamentalist literalists like to think.

So, then, where has that led me in these weeks as I have again come face-to-face with the human experience of this life/death citizenship? First,

• The meaning of life may be found in living in spite of dying.
• The meaning of death may be found in how we lived.
• And, I believe, it is in those "meanings" that we find the courage to continue in spite of illness or impending death.

At that point, as I always have to do, I return to the Twelve Steps of AA and the recovery world. As I learned early on from a spiritual guide, it is only when we come to the acceptance of our dying- the last step of death, dying and grief- that we have reached the First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I am powerless and my life is unmanageable.

Leading me to Step Two

Do I believe there is some "high power" that can move me forward in sanity in spite of that?

If so, then there is Step Three

Let that higher power be my guide and source of power.

Everything else is how we do it. Simple? Sure.  Simplistic? No, not the way I have seen it. It is a daily walk in hope and meaning. The things I learn today at 66 are far different than the things I was learning 25 years ago when I first discovered these steps.

This is NOT, I repeat NOT, giving up. Powerlessness is NOT giving in to dying!! Notice again that it is only when we accept our powerlessness that we can seek the power to move on. It is only when we recognize the reality of what we face that we can look for the answers, decisions, directions and options that may impact who we are and what we do.

Illness itself may be the wrong metaphor in the end since it has a negative connotation. Can we accept "illness" as a given, part of our humanity? Can we accept that it will happen? In doing so can we also be ready to continue to affirm and uphold life when it does?

That may be a way that allows for more honesty, hope, and support.That is where courage comes in. That is where the courageous battle against an illness is not a denial of the illness but rather a willingness to seek support, care, treatment. It is a reminder that, yes, we all will die, but until that happens, we are still in the "kingdom" of the living!

Realism- Antidote for Suffering?

Let's start with the quote from MPR's show- On Being last week.

I always like to say: Buddhism is engaged realism. Because they say that Buddha himself discovered the nature of reality, completely understood it fully and totally and also understood that other beings could do so and also understood that only by such discovery can you find freedom from that suffering. If you really know the reality, then you will be free of the suffering was his real innovative teaching, which has lasted now for thousands of years. So realism, being realistic, is the key, you know. (Robert Thurman, professor of Indo-Tibetan Buddhist Studies at Columbia University.)

On Being. --Link

I reacted very positively to it when I first heard it so I went and dug up the quote from the transcript. Then I looked at it a little longer and started to question it.

"So, if I am realistic," I said to myself, "I won't suffer?"

That's what it says. Realism? Being realistic will take away the pain?

Wait, that's not what it says. It says you won't suffer. Hurt, ache, be in pain- those are some of the synonyms found online for "suffer."

Then I realized that it's not talking about physically experiencing pain, hurt, etc. It's talking about suffering that comes as the result of the pain. I then remembered one of those statements you often hear around 12-Step meetings:

Pain is common; suffering is optional.

Doh! That's what it's about, of course. When one is realistic it means that one has a sensible, grounded understanding of what is expected- and what isn't. When one is realistic we understand boundaries and limits.

Which, as usual, brings things for me back around to the Serenity Prayer. It is where I must always go if I am to maintain balance and acceptance in my life. Get out of the unrealistic expectations that happen when I fall back into my self-centered thinking. The result will be wisdom- and the suffering- the angst- will not have it's impact on me.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Awake for Twenty-Five Years

When I first got sober and was still in treatment another recovering person, an Episcopal priest, came to visit me. He was sober for a couple years at the time and reflected for a moment on his own journey up to that point. As he spoke he stopped and said:

Just wait until Easter. You won't believe it.

A little less than 5 months later I stood in our local Moravian cemetery for our wondrous Easter dawn service. I remember that there was some type of sunrise that morning. My wife/pastor spoke the ancient words:

The Lord is risen!

As I joined the rest of the gathered congregation in responding:

The Lord is risen indeed!

The congregation, led by our brass choir, me on trumpet, sang

Hail, all hail victorious Lord and Savior!

I played, hearing the well-known words in my head, and remembered the words of my recovering clergy colleague back in November and was amazed.

The twelfth step of Alcoholics Anonymous starts with the phrase

Having had a spiritual awakening...

At that moment I understood it.

I was awake.

That was 25 years ago on Easter. I remember it every year when we proclaim that the Lord is risen. I also remember that I, too, have been raised with Him to new life.

I am still awake and more grateful every year.

Self-Confidence as Empowerment- and Vice Versa

Talking to a former pastor the other day I was caught up short by something they were told after they left the parish pastorate. "You have had more self-confidence since you have been away from the parish."

That caused some time of thought on my part. But I understood where it came from.

When one is in the parish ministry they often find themselves constantly looking over their shoulder. Much time is spent second-guessing what was going on in people's thoughts, wondering who might be ready to find something they said as offensive but not say anything about it. What was that look about during the service on Sunday? John Doe wasn't here for two weeks. What's wrong? Even friends can be suspect, especially after one back years ago turned into an antagonist at one board meeting and left the church.

I remember one of the first times I had a performance evaluation after leaving the parish. I was a nervous wreck. My experience had often been quite difficult with performance evaluations in the ministry. In fact, I became quite adept at avoiding them whenever possible. Very seldom were they positive experiences. It was almost like people often felt that performance evaluations were meant to criticize and point out all ones shortcomings.

No wonder the pastor's comment rang a bell. It is hard to maintain a sense of one's being at least "OK" in the midst of that. Self-confidence could turn into a negative quite quickly in what others saw as arrogance. It could be seen easily as not being open to listening to what others had to say. Aloofness, stuck-up, self-centered, uncertain all became adjectives to describe the self-confident pastor.

The result of this is disillusionment, spiritual walls that separate the pastor from the congregation, a lack of self and self-confidence that only the family at home sees. The public persona remains smiling, engaged, even happy. Internally many pastors end up questioning their very faith and calling. They become burned out and barely make it from vacation to vacation, times of renewal.

I found some answers for myself in a couple of ways. One was the process of recovery for myself from chemical dependence. The work of the Twelve Steps opened up a whole new view of myself and the ability to let go of things that were beyond my control. What other people thought of me was one of those things beyond my control. Being part of a 12 Step group where I was just me was refreshing and allowed me to begin to discover who I was - and how God wanted to utilize that in me.

Doing the next right thing, also called doing God's Will, was another. If I was being honest and truthful, open and willing to do the next right thing, most times it would be good enough and often more that that. There was a freedom in that which can't be overstated.

Finally, the long pilgrimage into prayer and meditation became the foundation. It was there that I personally discovered that prayer is not an act of magic or wishful thinking. It was, instead, an act of faith and acceptance of whatever was in front of me. It was in that I also found the freedom to live out the vision empowered in my prayer and meditation.

It wasn't always easy; but it worked to lead me deeper into God's life with me and into a broader understanding of God's will for me and the whole idea of call, vocation, and ministry. I still wrestle with how the church fits into all this. I have a hunch that will never stop. But I know the way of self-confidence can be more than just feeling good about oneself. It is also the way of service and responding to the ways of God and God's ministry around us.

Oh, and by the way, that first performance evaluation and every one since I left the parish was nothing but empowering and hopeful. Much time was spent affirming what was going well and then a dialogue about what areas needed growth, instigated by people who cared. I walked out of my supervisor's office on a cloud and committed to working on new goals for the next year.

The First Word

We used a slightly different creed this morning in worship. It was one where the priest asked a question:

Do you believe in God, the Father?

and the congregation responded:

We believe in God the Father.

As I recited the words my mind grabbed on to the first word of our response:

We.

Each of the following sections began the same way:

We believe...

As I continued to confess my faith with this creedal formulation, it took on a different meaning than it usually does. I was no longer just stating what "I" as a lone congregant believed; I was no longer standing there with some individualistic stance. I was part of a group- or better, a community. I was not alone. We were holding each other up in the various levels of belief that may have been present this morning. It also meant that I didn't have to have a full certainty of belief myself. The community was there, and continues to be there, even when I am struggling. There is no such thing, some used to say, as a "lone Christian."

My mind then multi-tasked to a question that most in Alcoholics Anonymous would be familiar with:

What's the first word of the First Step?

The answer, obviously, is:

We.

Again, it is not something the individual alcoholic, active or recovering, can do alone.  

We are in this together.

Humbled and Silent

I sat listening to a great deal of talk about God. It’s not usually that specific, but this was a night about

Step 2: Came to believe

Reading from a chapter To The Agnostic.

The members talked; I listened as I often do on that subject; a “professional”

                Spiritual person needs to remain silent in the face of

                The Words of God being spoken so eloquently.

Honest Theology flowing

From the heart split by pain and alcohol

Visions of God shared

From dark days long gone yet ever so present

In memory or ever so real possibility

Words of Grace received

When not worthy; never worthy, really;

Filling the cracks and

black holes

with Light

                and

                                wonder.

I listen in silence to a sermon far

                Better than any I ever preached.

No big words filling the spaces,

                No deep, unintelligible thoughts

Instead a common experience of

                Uncommon awakening.

The humble moment of gratitude not just for their experiences

But because they are mine as well.

The empowerment of the

                Powerless by a

                Power greater than any of us;

Shared through each of us

                To all of us.

Recovery!

Acceptance is the Start

One that sums up another part of acceptance:

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.
--William James

This of course is the starting stanza of the Serenity Prayer:

• To accept the things I cannot change.

Which includes far more things than we care to admit or imagine. And I don't just mean whether the sun came up today. I mean things like:

• How people act toward us
• What our children do when they are not in our sight
• Whether people really like us or not

It continues with many things that happen to us

• Being born or becoming handicapped
• Having a particular disease
• Winning the lottery (other than buying the ticket, of course)
• The person in the car ahead of us who insists on going the speed limit

On and on we can go.

In short, acceptance of people, places, and things that are beyond our control.  Yet too often we live in the problem- and forget to move on. We live in the wishful thinking that it could, should, or might have been different.

• In an even shorter way- our real trouble is that we cannot admit or accept being powerless.

And, yes, with no surprise, it brings me around to the 12-Steps again- and most fully the First Step. We get nowhere until we take a first step. A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

• Acceptance is the first step.

Meditate on that today. Ponder the depth of truth in acceptance of what we cannot change. It sure makes the world a healthier place for us.

Compassion, Love and Goodness

You may call God love,
you may call God goodness.
But the best name for God is compassion.
--Meister Eckhart

Love and compassion. Aren't they the same? What is Meister Eckhart trying to tell us? Does it have to do with more than loving, and more than just goodness?

Such were the initial thoughts I had when seeing that quote.

• Com-passion.
• With-passion. Or better yet
• Passion with....
• And even further- Suffering with others

To have compassion then is to feel someone else's hurts and pains.
It is not to be condescending,  or to look down on them.
It is the depth of sympathy-

• Sym-pathy
• Sym- together
• Pathos- feelings
• To be in a community of feeling, finding direction and hope- 
• together.

We all suffer at one time or another, hence we are all in need of compassion.

And because we all suffer- we also know what others may need in the midst of their suffering.

But God? Compassion? Where is Meister Eckhart going with that.

Of course, God is surely more than just love. Even saying that God is love is more than what we mean by love. Compassion? An ability to suffer with us? A willingness to walk beside us?

Oh, the problem with trying to describe such things with mere words. We think we have it down. We think we can say it- and it is so. But the reality is that if we could reduce such powerful reality into words, it would lose its ability to make a difference in our lives. To come to compassion is more than we can describe.

Sadly, many people wouldn't equate God with compassion- any more than  they do with love. Not that Old Testament image of a God (the meanest one on the block) throwing lightning bolts, and floods, and plagues and the rest of the ways God seemingly made people stop and pay attention.

Compassion? Doesn't sound like it.

But-compassion and sympathy is not "lowering" ourselves to someone else's pains or suffering. Yes, it is to walk with them in the midst of it, but it is also to walk in a way that pulls them up to a higher level. It gets them out of their misery by being able to share it. It doesn't take it away, it shares it, supports it, leads into a different way of dealing with it.

It is walking with them through hell. But we don't stop in the midst of hell. That only lengthens it, makes it worse. We keep walking- and them walking with us- so neither of us gets stuck in the mud and muck of hell.

Now I can begin to see how God can be described as compassion. AA's 2nd Step says

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

In other words, we begin to believe that there is a way through- and out of- hell, with the help of a power greater than ourselves. Part of that is the compassionate support we can receive from whoever or whatever may be our Higher Power, God.

God is not reaching down to us- but into our hell with us. Just as we are called to do with others. The result is compassion.

The Scandals Never End

While this one doesn't rank up there with Jerry Sandusky or General Petraeus, it is just as sad and devastating. The headline yesterday:

'Sesame Street' actor faces underage sex charges

Not just any Sesame Street actor, but Kevin Clash- Elmo! As a result Clash has been put on leave.

Clash himself has issued a statement that he is a gay man and that he and the accuser did have a relationship, but that it was after the accuser was an adult.

[Note: I recently saw the documentary about Kevin Clash, Being Elmo. 

I highly recommend it and will add pathos to the current story.]

Who know what the real story is. All we know is that we keep discovering that our heroes have clay feet.

And we consistently act surprised.

Maybe we keep hoping beyond hope that someone will remain pure and spotless. Maybe one of our heroes will remain so. Some we feel good when they fall. Others we feel sadness. No matter what, we feel betrayed.

Hmmm. Makes me wonder how others close to me feel when I fail? Makes me wonder if I have done enough inner soul searching to be humble enough to ask my higher power to remove my shortcomings?

My Creator,

I am now willing that you should have all of me,

good and bad.

I pray that you now remove from me

every single defect of character which stands in the way

of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

Grant me strength, as I go out from here,

to do your bidding.

Amen

-p. 76, Alcoholics Anonymous

The Need For Grace

Here from Internet Monk last week, a post that resonates.

How much preaching we hear from the lips of men and women who give us no way of knowing that they were themselves once upon a time passionately moved by the gospel, which they proclaim now with so little apparent passion. Let them preach about the moments of grace in their own lives. Let them preach about the flesh-and-blood reality of those moments and about how, even though there are many other moments when grace seems faint and far away, those moments of grace remain their richest treasure and dearest hope.

Or if for some reason they shy away from preaching about those moments — either because they seem too precious or perhaps too threadbare and elusive to tell — then at least let them preach out of them because not to speak from the heart of where their faith comes from is to risk never really touching the hearts of those of us who so hungrily listen.

from The Longing for Home
by Frederick Buechner

I would go even broader and deeper than just in preaching. The need is for people to live that grace and share that hope that grace brings in all they do. It is what I know happens at 12-Step meetings, for example when, in AA's words people share their "experience, strength, and hope."

For Christians who have known grace in their lives, preacher or not, the principle to practice in ALL OUR AFFAIRS:

Grace.

Cynicism

First: Definitions
1. An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others:
2. A scornfully or jadedly negative comment or act:

Second: Why
Well, I was about to get cynical when I sat down to work on this post. I realized in some depth of my heart and soul that cynicism was lurking, ready to rear its head and come out of my fingers onto the keyboard and then, my readers, on you.

As I realized that I also realized that I wasn't sure I could truly define what it was I was feeling. So I headed to find the definitions posted above on the Free Dictionary. As soon as I read those I realized what I was feeling. Sadness. Fear. Distrust. It is easy to get distrustful of others, especially their true motives. People are, well, let's be honest, people are human.That means they have mixed motives. Some of those motives are clear to them and others. Some of those motives are hidden to all. Many of those motives can only be seen in retrospect.

Working in the field of addiction it is easy to see all these kinds of motives. Working with people whose brains have been hijacked, short-circuited, and flooded with chemicals natural and otherwise. When this happens motives are often found to be suspect. Those unconscious, or pre-conscious, motives and thoughts come unbidden and even below the level of cognitive awareness. I know that sounds like double-talk. It is not. It is a fact of life that those working in this field have to come to terms with.

Or else cynicism becomes a norm. Even for the healthy ones. Even for those who know better. Things happen that challenge the hopes and expectations. We come face to face with the cynicism of others or the denial that permeates addiction and find ourselves swamped. Before we know it. It is not conscious. It is below the levels of cognition, buried in the mid-brain, the amygdala, and little used circuits of the workings of the brain-mind connection.

So what to do when at the end of a week cynicism bubbles up, around and through? Well, I Googled quotes to put me back into a healthier frame.

It worked. As did a day of nature yesterday, hiking the byways of God's house of the local state park.

Such is the power of personal inventory, stopping and listening to ones feelings and naming them, then opening them up and moving beyond them.

Here, then, I share with you some of the quotes that helped me:


Third: Quotes (Link)

First, a theologian reminds us to stay away from extremes. Being overly sentimental (or even optimistic) is as bad as overly negative.

I think there ought to be a club in which preachers and journalists could come together and have the sentimentalism of the one matched with the cynicism of the other. That ought to bring them pretty close to the truth.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Yoko reminded me that this cynicism is not who I truly am. The soul is not meant to be that way. Cynicism is part of the hijacking of the brain and soul by things beyond who we really are.

The cynicism that you have is not your real soul.
--Yoko Ono

Jeff Bridges reflects on cynicism as really the lost soul pieces, the hopeful, optimistic side of us calling out for help. "Show me that all is not lost," cries the promise of life within us.

Most cynics are really crushed romantics: they've been hurt, they're sensitive, and their cynicism is a shell that's protecting this tiny, dear part in them that's still alive.
--Jeff Bridges

British musician Coxon finally reminds us that cynicism can be planted, fed and watered, and finally blossom without the help of mind-altering substances. In other words, stay sober.

I think a lot of cynicism has dropped away from my shoulders since I stopped drinking.
--Graham Coxon

Just When You Think It's Safe

You could also say,

There's Always Something

or

**** Happens

or...

well, take your pick. Life is like that. Up- down- around- through- over and over. That's what happened to me last week when I went for my general medical exam, aka- yearly physical.  For the past three - five weeks I have had some calf pain that has made it more difficult than usual to walk for more than short lengths without pain. At first I thought it was something I might have done wrong while exercising.

But it wasn't going away. Walking back from lunch to my office I would find myself getting tired from the effort. Which never happened, even after last week's 32-mile bike ride. It didn't make sense. So I mentioned it to my doctor at my physical. And he gets this look on his face that makes one stop and think. He then starts asking some other questions.

Hmmm. Not a good sign. Sort of scary, actually. I never knew that calf muscle pain could be caused by back problems or vascular issues. Since I have a history of lower back pain (spinal stenosis) this should have come as no surprise. But I have never had this problem before it was a surprise. That and the possibility of vascular issues? Whoa!

For someone who exercises as much as I do this isn't supposed to happen.

But it does. Some of it is simply that age-old issue: age. After nearly 63 years of life, things aren't always going to be working the way they used to. I am amazed at what I can still do and am still hopeful that I can continue to do these things- and more. Later this month I am planning on starting an exercise program at the local workout-place to get the weight and body mass index (BMI) under control. Which in and of itself could have a positive impact on the lower back if that is what the cause is.

Until then it is do the medical tests and see what is going on back there. Not an easy thing to let go of. That is another one of those things that crop up from time-to-time that force me back to work the First Step as I talked about yesterday.

I am powerless over many, many things. My life does not go the way I want it to.

So I have to stay in today. Enjoy these 24-hours and let my Higher Power take care of the rest while I do what I can do.

Which is good enough for me- and enough for me to handle for today.

Overheard in Recovery: How Long Does It Take?

"So tell me," a newcomer asked one of the old-timers the other week, "how long does it take to work all 12 steps?"

"So far, 23 years," came the response.

It would be nice if you could do a step a week and in 3 months be done. Or barring that, maybe a step a month and then be done in a year. The problem is that it doesn't work that way. No matter how you work the 12 Steps you still have a problem when you get through Step 12...You are still powerless and your life is still unmanageable.

Which simply means you have to go back and start all over.

Not because you didn't do it right the first time, but because you will find that practicing these principles in all your affairs only makes you more aware of your powerlessness (Step 1), your need for help (Step 2) and then asking for that help (Step 3).

Oh, yes. Then you end up taking a look at the recent (or even more distant) past (Step 4) and finding things you need to share with your Higher Power, yourself, and another person (Step 5). Guess what? You have now found some shortcomings that you need to be ready to get rid of (Step 6) and then ask for ways to do that (Step7).

Ooops. You have also found that even in this short time there are people you may have harmed by action or inaction and you are now willing to face that (Step 8). So you make amends (Step 9). Because of that you are now more vigilant and willing to take that daily self-inventory and admit it when you are wrong (Step 10).

Now that things are going better you find yourself wanting to get closer to your Higher Power so you get into more prayer and meditation knowing that you want to do what is right (Step 11).

Wow! What a great thing this is. You are now more awake to the world and the spiritual than you have been and you know your work is to share this with others who may need it. Then you are excited because you know you can live this life in all you do.

Until things don't go so well and you come smack dab into your powerlessness.... and you are back at

Step One!

But each time you do this you find that life keeps getting better. You are more sober; more happy, joyous, and free. As you keep going through this way of life it becomes just that- a way of life. And a pretty darn good one at that.

Third Sunday in Lent: Real Temptations

This morning I thought about temptation and forgiveness. Well, actually mostly about temptation. I was listening to the radio on the way to church and an author was talking about one the characters in her novel. He was the father in the family and he did things which caused problems. But, the author mentioned, he thought he was doing the right thing. Sometimes temptations are in the small things.

I have said before that if we really wanted to be honest about the problem of sins and temptation it is not the BIG ones that we should be railing against. I think, in reality, the overwhelming focus we place on these BIGGIES gets in the way of most of us dealing with the real presence of sin in our world and our lives. Just listen to any preacher when he or she begins to rail against sin and you will often be able to sit back in relief that they are not talking about you.

But take a step back and think of the "tradition" of the Seven Deadly Sins. Here they are:

• wrath (inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger, including denial of truth)
• greed (a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power)
• sloth (failure to utilize one's talents and gifts, seen as laziness and indifference)
• pride (desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self; often seen as the original sin
• lust (excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature)
• envy (insatiable desire and resentment that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it)
• gluttony (over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste) (See Wikipedia.)
  

All of a sudden the definitions of sin have changed. Suddenly my life is filled with sin. I am not blameless. When I look at that list I see that it is more than just a list of some things I might fall into someday. In reality they are things that I can- and often do- fall into just about every day. (Okay- EVERY day.)

What is the way to handle all this? Honest self-inventory. Searching moral inventory. The founders of the 12-Step movements were onto something important when they wrote Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory. In fact when they wrote their second text, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, they talked about the Seven Deadly Sins as the list to use to think about those things. They are universal.

All this means that my life needs to be self-honest and not judgmental of other people. To use the Seven Deadly Sins reminds how easy it can be to move from good to bad, from hope to sin. I do it daily. So daily I need to remind myself that there is hope and forgiveness. That is what my faith is all about. I don't have to be a prisoner to these. I can be freed.

Thanks be to God who gives me the victory in Jesus Christ.

Overheard in Recovery: Not Just Me

I heard this conversation a few weeks ago. The first person speaking had just explained that she has come to an understanding of her alcoholism/addiction. The second is another person talking with her.

I am fighting a battle against addiction.

Let us help you. That's what recovery communities are all about.

No one can fight the battle for me.

I didn't say we'd battle it for you. We will battle it with you.

Oh, how difficult it can be to see that we are in life together; that it is not a one-person show against all odds (literally!) We get overwhelmed by having to succeed and do it all alone. Even sitting in a community of other people fighting the same fight we are fighting we resort to this default and ultimately disastrous mode.

That all made me think about the ads for the Army and the Marines that have been around. The Army tells us that each person is

An Army of One.

The Marines on the other hand are looking for

A Few Good Men.

Of course when you get to basic training in either branch the Marine ad is more realistic. Even Mel Gibson needed all those thousands of troops in Braveheart in order to win. But the lone warrior ideal leads us to discount other people's assistance, wisdom and support.

By the end of the above conversation the person who felt overwhelmed was beginning to feel a little more hopeful.

Which is what the whole idea of community can do.

Overheard in Recovery: Past Dead

One evening a long-sober person in recovery was talking about his journey and the fact that even when a person gets sober and into a strong program their disease continues to grow. Silent. Deadly. Patient. Like with cancer or such diseases if it recurs, goes out of remission, it is often stronger and more virulent than it was before.

This sober individual was talking about how he would probably have been dead ten years ago if he had continued drinking. Then with an awareness of the remission potential and danger he stopped. Paused with a sense of awe- and knowing insight. He looked around the room and simply said:

Wow. I am ten years past dead.

No, he didn't talk about borrowed time, he was talking about the life he would never have lived. Ten years.

And still counting.

Such is recovery.

Overheard in Recovery - Don't Live in the Past

The Promises of AA say:

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

I recently heard a different way of saying that:

Look back - but don't stare.

On (Not) Being Superman

Every now and then I come to the new conclusion that I am not A Superman, let alone THE Superman. I came to realize that again last week when I needed to stop and take it easy on myself. From time to time I walk into situations that I think I can handle on my own. That my great and wonderful personality and abilities and just general being will get me through anything.

In short, there is nothing that I can't do.

I can handle whatever it is that comes along and walk through fire, on water, and around the clouds. Can you imagine how tough that is to live like that? Can you feel the responsibility that comes with such amazingness and wonderfulness?

But I am sure that if you stop and think about for the least microsecond, you can realize how stupid and personally harmful it is. Sooner or later things fall apart. Not necessarily where all turns into a disaster, but it sure might be headed that direction. Someone disagrees, someone challenges, someone does it better. Or worse, you realize you can't be the savior to all, the perfect one, the answer to every question.

In other words you realize you truly are human. Just like everyone else. You realize you have shortcomings and failures. Just like everyone else.

Then you want to scream- NO! WAIT! I am unique and special and as perfect as I think I am. You can't lump me together with everyone else. I'm me! Can't you see that?

Of course each of us is unique and individual. But way down at the bottom line when all else is said and done, we all have character defects, shortcomings, even failings. We are all fallible human beings.

It is at that point that we can move toward and into recovery. Recovery is to have an open and honest view of ourselves, neither thinking to highly nor too poorly of ourselves. Being willing to see both extremes of grandiosity- the BEST or the WORST. I have a hunch that in the evolution of the 12-Steps, the 6th and 7th steps where we become willing to ask a Higher Power to help us in our weakness, have to come only after we can give up the Superman (or Wonder Woman) complex.

Now, if I could only learn it for good so I never have to face it again.

Overheard in Recovery - Writing Your Story

A writer friend and I were talking about the process of writing stories. Some writers, he reminded me, like to start knowing the end of the story before they start. Others know where the story starts and let the story take them where they need to go in the end. And some, we were reminded from the book Ron Carlson Writes a Story end up discovering that the end of the story that they wrote first ends up being but the beginning of the story.

I realized that recovery is like the last example. We start thinking we know the end of the story:

I will stay clean and sober. That's what it's all about.

But a few years down the road, if one manages to stay on the path, you realize that the end was but the beginning. You end up writing your own story starting at the end- clean and sober- and then going on from there.

I think that moment is the ultimate willingness to admit powerlessness and move into true acceptance.

And to discover what it means to live in hope.