Thirty-eight Already- Intertwining and Binding

--Jonah Lehrer on his blog The Frontal Cortex posted a reflection on some reading he was doing on close, interpersonal relationships(much of it, he says based on research by Ellen Berscheid, at the University of Minnesota.) He says that he is mostly convinced

that there's a fundamental mismatch between the emotional state we expect to feel for a potential spouse - we want to "fall wildly in love," experiencing that ecstatic stew of passion, desire, altruism, jealousy, etc - and the emotional state that actually determines a successful marriage over time. Berscheid defines this more important emotion as "companionate love" or "the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined."

Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist at the University of Virginia, compares this steady emotion which grows over time to its unsteady (but sexier and more cinematic) precursor: "If the metaphor for passionate love is fire, the metaphor for companionate love is vines growing, intertwining, and gradually binding two people together." ...

The point is not that passionate love isn't an important signal. It surely is - that rush of dopamine is trying to tell us something. But a successful marriage has to endure long past the peak of passion.
--Jonah Lehrer

Well, today marks 38 years of that kind of thing happening between my wife and myself. To have that many years has to take more than just being over 50. It has to have that intertwining and binding talked about above. Affectionate love or deep compassion (as opposed to just erotic passion) is an amazing thing. At times you don't even know it's there. Then you stop and think about it and you are overwhelmed. You pay attention to what you are feeling and you go "Whoa!" or "Wow!"

To live into the love that endures beyond passion takes time and energy and probably the best partner the world's ever seen.

Even - and probably especially - after 38 years.

(for Val)