Okay- I'm Surprised- and Humbled Again

reflection of the past two weeks since my back surgery.

I admit being incredibly surprised at what has- and hasn't- happened.

• I am far better than I expected to be.
• The pain decreased remarkably.
• The pain was never as bad as expected.
• I was up and moving more than I would have thought possible.
• The return of stamina was slower than I would have believed. All of a sudden I would notice being very tired.

Remember, my only other experience with this was my wife having the same surgery 30 years ago when she spent a week in the hospital and four - six weeks unable to even be in the car.

But perhaps the biggest surprise that shouldn't have been a surprise- the cunning and baffling power of addiction. I have known for all 20 years of my recovery that surgery and the use of narcotic pain medication is always a slippery time even when narcotic addiction has never been present. The brain that has been "hijacked" by addiction, even "just" addiction to alcohol, is always a sitting duck. The inner workings of the brain that have been most affected don't know- and frankly, my dear, don't give a damn- which chemicals are used. If they do something that connects with that part of the brain- you are in dangerland.

That DOES NOT MEAN that you shouldn't use the prescribed medications when you have surgery. To not use them when- and as- prescribed would be foolish and even more dangerous. But they who go into the midst of addictive substances should go well prepared! It is a mental wilderness with wild beasts and things that go bump in the night.

I knew all that. I teach that to others. I understand the whole process from a professional standpoint. But- alas- addiction is a sneaky SOB. One must never, absolutely never, assume that addiction is under control. As the Big Book of AA says, it is only a "daily reprieve" based on my spiritual condition.

Of course spiritual condition includes dealing with the stresses and frustrations of daily life. It includes the ability to have acceptance of things as they are and the wisdom to know what you can and can't change. In the midst of post-surgical fog those things become all mixed up. Even when you "think" you're doing fine- don't bet on it. The brain has this great lack of insight called "denial" that prevents you from making wise decisions even when you think you are right on target.

I see this happen day in and day out in treatment. It is the common denominator of every- no exception- every alcoholic or addict I have ever known, been at 12- Step meetings with, or worked with in treatment. NO EXCEPTIONS! There will always be some form of denial at work. ALWAYS. Denial takes many forms, of course- minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, out and out denial. In one form or another it usually says: "You don't understand. My situation is different."

Every addict and alcoholic on some level often believes they will never go back to using again. They are not like those other addicts who have no will-power. They aren't like those hopeless drunks. "I can handle the situation. I can say no. My will is strong." Unfortunately the point of having to say "No!" often sneaks in like a thief in the night. It is the end of a longer process (known as relapse process) that begins long before the actual relapse.

Okay- I'll stop beating around the bush. I am pmPilgrim and I am an alcoholic and addict. Regular readers knew that. But I was blind-sided again by old Slick over there on the shoulder.

I entered this whole surgery with all the awareness and knowledge that I have already talked about. Narcotics, legal or otherwise, were never my issue. I made clear to my doctor ahead of time that I am in recovery. He agreed that there was no way I would get any refills of any narcotics. In fact, I was pleased when the hospital did not have enough to even give me a full prescription. I only took it as often as prescribed for two days and then cut back. After four days I was off them entirely with left-overs to throw away. Which I have done.

But I forgot that recovery is being able to deal with life on life's terms. Recovery is acceptance of things the way they are. And even four days of narcotic use, even less than prescribed, can upset that whole apple cart. And you don't even know it because your brain is busy at work playing games with you and itself.

You see I was having trouble sleeping. Lots of reasons- pain, discomfort, the whole disruption of my normal life patterns, sleeping on and off all day. So four days after I stopped the narcotics I didn't realize that I was being played with by my own brain.

Frustration levels increased. I was becoming more and more irritable. Restlessness and discontent were at work. If only I could sleep everything would be okay. If only I could get a good night's sleep. Obsession began to sink in.

By day 5 post pain pills I began to dread going to bed.

Then I thought about taking an over-the-counter sleep aid. Something I hadn't done in 20+ years. I talked it over with my wife, briefly, and then said no, I haven't done it in 20 years.

But that was not what the hijacked brain wanted to hear. It was another bad night. I realized in the middle of the night that this felt like addiction at work, but "successfully" set that thought aside.

Day 6 was even worse. I made up my mind. Tonight I will take one of those OTC meds. Just get a good night's sleep and it will be all right after that. In the back of my head was the thought, "But what if I need it again the next night?" But I let that slip away. As it got closer to bed time I knew it was what I needed. So, come almost bed time I turn to my wife and say, "I think I will have one of those tonight."

I knew she would be supportive. She understood what I was going through. She saw my frustrations, etc. But she also knew more than I knew. She knew that was nothing more than a dry drunk at work.

"If you haven't needed it in 20 years," she quietly pointed out, " you don't need it tonight."

[Mumble] [Grumble] That sure didn't work out the way I expected.

Fortunately.

"Yeah, you're right," I said. And went to bed saying the Serenity Prayer and being grateful that I was able to now laugh at it.

I know many of you have no idea what I'm meaning in this. "What's a simple Benadryl or Tylenol PM?" For me they were part of the addictive process at work- back to an understanding that chemicals were the answer to all my problems. I am also sure that many people early in recovery would think I was crazy. "Hey, it's just this once" or some similar rationalization makes sense.

But my wife was right. If I haven't needed them in far more stressful times in 20 years, I sure don't need them today. Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful-- and patient. Which is why one is never "cured." The possibility is always real and present. But with support and enough recovery in the bank you can get through them and back into the serenity that has kept you going.