Trying to Stay With It

One of the good news/bad news things about being a trained and licensed counselor is that if you stop long enough to think about things, you realize the significance of what's going on. And then you feel silly for being, well, just like everyone else you have ever talked to in similar situations.

It is now less than a week until my back surgery. That's scheduled for next Wednesday sometime. The past couple days have had several medical appointments in preparation for next week. First I had an appointment with my primary care physician to do a pre-anesthesia evaluation- i.e. to make sure that at my age surgery is okay. (No smart remarks, Greg.)

From there I went to have an ECG to make sure I have a heart that is working correctly. (My clients are not allowed to answer that one.) And yesterday I had fasting blood work to be sure there are no hidden issues running around in my bloodstream.

Still to go are an MRI on Tuesday morning to get the latest picture available of the spine and then the meeting with the surgeon. I assume he will then give the final go-ahead and tell me when and where to report in the pre-dawn of Ash Wednesday.

That's the physical-medical part. That's straightforward and easy to do. It's the internal, under the surface, psychological/spiritual part that I am having trouble dealing with in as clear and open a way. After all, the body wants to protect itself so it goes into denial and even shut down. I have noticed for example that I have developed a certain amount of depression over the past week. Maybe if I stay sleeping longer I won't think about it. Or I find myself detaching, staring, thinking of nothing. I get home in the afternoon and feel like I am grateful to be back in my cocoon. Or I head to the Caribou Coffee down the street, put on my headphones and surf, read and write.

Oddly enough after I wrote most of this post on Tuesday I woke up yesterday - and went through the whole day!- without any of the walls or internalizing that I had been experiencing. I thought, well, maybe I broke through something. But I couldn't think what it might have been. So I stopped wondering and just plain enjoyed the "old Barry" having at least returned for a moment.

Which I know is all okay. I have seen many go through this. It is natural and normal. And so far I am not worried, as such. I am not getting any big case of nerves or anxiety. I am sleeping my normal sleep. I am understanding why I am finally doing this. I have been reflecting on the hope and possibility that lies ahead of me for increased stamina and increased opportunities to do things I have been unable to do as easily as I would like. Taking trips and hikes, walking to work or standing around talking to people.

Perhaps I am also aware that most of it will be beyond my consciousness. That's one of the advantages of some of the good IV drugs they use for anesthesia- they make you forget the aspects you don't want to remember. I still can't believe that it may only be two weeks off work, but I will happily be up and around that quickly if the doctor thinks it's okay.

So I am now in countdown mode. Tomorrow will be my last day at work pre-leave. Saturday we go see Shakespeare at the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis. Sunday will be the last exercise time and then it's on to the final preparations. We'll see what comes next.