Surrender

Give in. Give up. Cease fighting. Admit defeat.

Surrender.

After a certain point you know that things aren't going to get better unless you just stop. Turn around. Go a different direction. Pay attention to other ways.

Turn your will and life over to the care of God.

Let go and let God.

Pray only for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out.

All that is an introduction to the fact that I am finally surrendering to the possibility that surgery will improve my back situation. I almost had surgery way back in May 1994. It was canceled for a number of reasons, the strongest being that at the last minute the epidural steroid injection worked and the pain went away. Over the intervening 14 years several things have happened.

1) I have had periodic bouts of acute pain that have resulted in missed work and great discomfort and seven other times of injections in the past 9 years, including three in the past year.

2) The pain has also changed in the past 4 years to include numbness and tingling down my legs and in both feet to the point at times I need to stop when walking. I can't go another step as everything then tightens up. So I stop, get down on my haunches for 30 seconds and then move on.

3) The epidural injections are effective for shorter periods of time, 3-4 months, now, instead of years.

4) I am now almost 15 years older! That means a lot of things aren't working as well as they used to in spite of being in better shape than I was 15 years ago.

So I had a consult with the neurosurgeon last Tuesday, a week after my most recent injection. He says I am a candidate for surgery. The kind of issues I have - the numbness, weakness and tingling down both legs - respond quite well to surgery. These surgeons, by the way, have the well-earned reputation for conservative responses and a slow-to-operate mentality. So when he said that, I knew he was being honest. My own research supports that also.

The decision, made in consultation with my wife and my work supervisor is therefore to have the surgery- a laminectomy- on Wednesday, February 25. I will probably be in the hospital 2 days and, he says, back to work in about two weeks. (It helps I don't do anything physically demanding in my job.)

Yes, February 25 is Ash Wednesday. I am looking at this as a Lenten Journey from pain to healing. Which means that I will be blogging about it from that perspective. (You knew that was coming! Self-indulgent is a well-earned adjective.)

What has actually surprised me at this point is how easily and calmly I have made this decision. I know it is the right time. The problems- most specifically the numbness, etc.- have been limiting of things I want to do. I want to go on trips but feel like I can't walk far enough. I want to hike places where my bicycle can't go, but I can't walk that far. I even want to be able to walk to work (about 3/4 mile) on beautiful spring, summer, and fall mornings but it is beyond my ability. I want to go back to the Boundary Waters but portages are too hard on my walking.

Yes, I know it might not work and that I will have to find new ways to deal with the issues. But I will never know if I don't do it.

That in a nutshell is what's happening. I will keep you posted- keep me in your prayers. It should be interesting- another of Barry's adventures.