Imperfection, Mistakes, and Feeling Guilty

I used to joke that I'm not competitive- except in the things I can win at. The truth in that sentence was far deeper than I was willing to admit. It hid a fear of losing, of making mistakes, of not looking as if I knew what I was doing. Therefore to not compete at things that I couldn't win at gave me a better than even chance of winning- and not having to feel badly about losing.

But when that feeling goes to other things- like making mistakes- it can get almost devastating. When I do something that is the result of some human failing, shortcoming, or just plain missing a signal or a cue I can get really good at kicking myself. The anxiety center in the pit of my stomach goes into high gear. The obsessive thought cortex in my brain engages. I want to go somewhere and suck my thumb in a dark and dismal corner of the room.

It is almost entirely based on the underlying fear that someone in that large group called "They" will think I am a failure or incompetent or worse- unlikable. Those old archival quality tapes start up and I find myself unlovable and incapable. Even after all these years of working at it, of challenging it, of naming and claiming myself as a person worthy and lovable the buttons can still be pushed and into the cycle I go.

At those times I have to remind myself that I am not expected to be perfect. I am not ever going to go through a day, let alone a week or month without doing something imperfect or wrong. I am going to have to step up and admit to myself and often others that I was wrong.

Usually the sky doesn't fall in when I do that. In fact it has not happened. Yet. Nothing logical says it ever will. But these things aren't based in logic. They are locked away in the illogical area of fear- fear based on nothing. Which makes it harder to face and deal with.

It is no wonder that the founders of the 12-Steps put a 10th Step in there to deal with just such moments.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This reminds me that:

1. I have to be keeping tabs on what's going on within me to catch those times when I get illogical and threaten my own serenity with my own humanity.
2. That I am human and will be wrong at times since it doesn't say "If I'm wrong." It says "When I'm wrong." and
3. The best way to deal with it is to be honest and admit my mistakes.

Built into that is the knowledge- no doubt from their own personal experience- that to clear the air and move on is the best way of dealing with what went wrong in the first place. It is also important to remember that we will not be perfect at doing this either. We are all works in progress.

Thank God. Naturally.