Reflections on Weddings

I was at a wonderful wedding this past weekend. The daughter of a close friend of 35 years got married and I was honored to officiate at the ceremony. Weddings can be good or bad. All kinds of factors play into it. This one was special because of my close friendship with the bride's father and the bride as well! She and my daughter were classmates, went to camp together, on a mission trip with us and our yearly excursion to Great America and the wonders of roller coasters.

It is amazing how different weddings look when you are "part of the family."

Many clergy I know, (myself included) have often had little good to say about weddings. The ceremony, while the heart of the day, is often the least thought about. Clergy feel like the church is where the wedding is being held- just because it is tradition. Actually, in some places, there are more non-church weddings than church weddings.

We also feel like we have become an agent of the state. The state "okays" the wedding and we do it as a legal matter. The couple are just as married whether a pastor or a justice of the peace is involved.

As I thought about it this past weekend, though, I remembered an interview I heard on radio with some European musician talking about how poor and paltry American wedding celebrations are. They are usually over in a few hours as compared to the several days of celebration in the "Old Country." Villages prepare for the weddings. Villages celebrate and carouse and just plain get down and dirty in celebrating the wedding of one of their own. Two if both the bride and groom are from the same town.

Weddings are a BIG thing in human history. They seem to have been a source of revelry and fun and, as often as not, a lot of drinking and just plain partying. Yes, the actual ceremony of the wedding, whatever it has been, is the public sealing of the fact, but, as we clergy have noticed, it is but a small part. The party with the friends is what it's really mostly about. (That and the wedding night, but that's another issue.)

I have a hunch that somewhere back in the mists of time weddings were what they were because they needed to be. They gave the village hope. They expanded, in many instances, the work and influence of the clan. The tribe made alliances. Everyone benefitted. Perhaps it was also a way for the bride or groom to mark their territory. He or she is mine. Stay away.

The gods got involved in order to bless the couple and their families. I am sure fertility-type events occurred around the wedding. It was a way to ensure the perpetuation of the species, village, tribe, or clan in the safest possible way. The gods were invoked to help insure the success.

As the biblical religions began, they were similar. I have no idea what marriage looked like in biblical days (Old or New Testament.) I do know one thing- they were nothing, absolutely nothing, like what we think of as marriage today. I have a hunch that as Christianity became the legal religion and a de facto government the wedding ceremony became a way to at least lessen the non-Christian influences. The church has only marginally succeeded.

Let's be honest- weddings are an excuse to have a party, to make a big deal about two people making a commitment to each other. I have a hunch that we clergy have loaded a bunch of "solemnity" and "pompousness" and "discreteness" to it because of the fear of sex in many religious understandings. "Sex" is dirty- save it for marriage. (How's that for a mixed message?)

Marriage is not a religious event. Not in its history, not even biblically, I fear. It is a community celebration, a family festival, a village deciding to add a day or two of revelry to its calendar. There's nothing wrong with that. I have come to realize that while as I get older I may not be able to participate as well as I used to (especially since I don't drink), it is okay for the young people to have fun.

It is okay for the father of the bride to spend the evening schmoozing and smiling and shaking hands and dancing with his daughter.

It is okay for the family and friends to see this as a unique occasion.

It is a sign of hope for the future in spite of divorce rates. It is a sign of happiness and, yes, even love. It may in fact be so important and so serious that perhaps we shouldn't load it down with extra baggage and stuffiness and seriousness. The really special and important things in life are to be celebrated.