Somewhat Disappointing and Spring Sadness
The recent trip to New York also had some difficulties. First and foremost was my back. It just would not cooperate. The day Sunday in Manhattan was fun, but slowed down and made more tiring by needing to sit down and rest every five or ten minutes- and less as the day wore on. Perhaps it was too much to expect to do all that New York walking at this point in my back-recovery time. The worst was probably as we walked from the deli back to the bus terminal. Tired, sore, aching I had to stop and kneel down, get the pressure off my back and let it ease up the numbness that made me feel like I was walking on attached sponges.

The other, and probably related aspect, was a feeling of sadness from time to time. Springtime in New York, young people all over the place enjoying life and the future of life. German-speaking students on the Subway reminded me of being an English-speaking student on the subway in Berlin in 1970. Add that to the slowed-down feeling of putting up with my back- and then deciding to not take another day in the city on Monday- well, it was a bummer.

Spring- a time of young life and new life can be one of the saddest times of the year. With new life around you, you remember that you are not among the young anymore and that can make spring difficult. It isn't nostalgia for what isn't anymore. It isn't, at least for me, wanting to be young. No I don't want to be that naive again. I have enough naivete still left without recapturing the old. For me the sadness of spring is that I won't see so many things that are just starting or haven't even started yet. I still have energy, I still have creativity, I still have cunning and I now may even have some wisdom. All those things beat youth any day.

Perhaps it is that wisdom that reminds me that what I don't have is unlimited time. Each day is to be its own special day. Each day you have to be prepared to do something unique and special and eternal. Each day is filled with excitement and hope simply because each day IS. I didn't know that when I was young. Only age and some semblance of wisdom can give you that.

Which is why I still like to travel and discover new places and new ideas and new people. So maybe it shouldn't be sadness that I am feeling but gratitude for the possibilities that are now in each day that I may have missed at a younger age. Perhaps I should take the time each day to learn what that day has to teach and how God is at work in that moment. I guess it is a change from wishful thinking to wishful doing and being.

Update: The above was written on my last evening in New York. Today I went to my regular treatment appointment with my back and the doctor was quite encouraging. He reminded me that I have only been working on this for three weeks. Most people will not turn a corner in any way until nearly 6 weeks. The other interesting response I had- last night, I went to teh fitness center and worked out. And I felt better. Who would have thought....